My Dearest Darling

Chapter 38

"No, this is not it," he gave back, trying to keep his voice from trembling as he spoke softly to her. "You said it yourself, not too long ago, when I was on the floor with you holding me. We will not let this be it. We made it so far — you did! We are here, my dear, and the doctors are trying their very best to help you. Believe me, Cora, this is not it."

She looked at him, her hand stopping its slow caress of his cheek, and her soft smile turned into a slight frown. It was obvious that this was harder on her than she wanted to let on. With determination in her voice, she said just as quietly: "Still, darling. If this is it, I just want you to know how much I love you. And I need you to tell that to our girls, too; and our grandchildren. I love all of you so very, very much."

Robert gulped.

This was rare. Incredibly much so. His wife was always rather open in showing her affections — in gestures, looks and good deeds. But she rarely ever uttered those three words, and she never had to, because he knew she loved him from the start and she showed it frequently. Robert had always been the one to say it much more often than her. This only made the few times she did it all the more special.

Even in spite of that, despite the possibility of maybe never hearing those words pass through her lips, he did not want to hear her say it. Even though he loved her more than life itself. Or maybe he did not want to hear her say it just because of that.

Robert took a steadying breath and wiped at the single stray tear hanging at the corner of his eye. "We love you, too, and we want to have you with us for a while longer still. Don't give up the fight now."

"I don't want to give up," she said in that lovely American lilt he so adored. Her imploring eyes looked at him, they took him in and searched his features — what for, he did not know. Finally, her eyes focused on his and in the smallest voice Robert had ever heard, she whispered: "I am just so scared."

"Cora," he started to say, but he stopped himself when he saw her expression change subtly. She stopped hiding behind her mask of feigned strength that could truly fool anyone who did not know her as well as her husband did.

"I don't want to die, Robert."

He saw it in her eyes. The honesty. The fear.

Just then, when a shocked silence had fallen over Robert and he was fighting the tears even more than before, the nurse reminded them that she was there, clearing her throat quietly. She had been waiting quite patiently, trying to appear completely disinterested in the conversation between Cora and Robert, looking anywhere but at them.

The nurse came closer and gave them apologizing looks as she was beginning to push the bed out of the room. Still sitting in his chair, as if he was glued to the seat, his arm stretched out and his palm reached again for her hand above the thin sheet that was covering her frail body. His hands were shaky again, an accurate depiction of the state he was in; his confusion, and worry, and complete lack of calmness and serenity within. But when Cora looked away from their joined hands and back into his eyes, her fingers squeezing his encouragingly, sudden tranquillity and clarity came over him.

There was nothing he could say, nothing to respond to that. At least there was nothing that would help her, that would lessen her worries, that he could think of at that moment other than reassuring her of his unwavering love.

"Cora, I love you, my dearest. Never forget that. I love you."

She weakly squeezed his hand again when the nurse began to push her bed out, effectively pulling their hands apart as he had to watch them leave. His hand stayed in mid-air for a few seconds before it fell limply to his side.

++++++++++++++++++++

Another nurse came in shortly thereafter and guided him to another area of the hospital. Thicloser to the operating theatre, where Rosamund had already been patiently waiting for him.