// chaos incarnate // osamu dazai //

Preview

"People speak of hope as if it is this delicate, ephemeral thing made of whispers and spider webs. It's not. Hope has dirt on her face, blood on her knuckles, the grit of cobblestones in her hair, and just spat out a tooth as she rises for another go." I stopped in front of Fyodor, my eyes meeting his. ¨I should know. She's all that's kept me going all this time, and it was not a pretty sight.¨

"So I've heard. Dazai lore is my favourite part of the day." He smiled, and I couldn't help but feel an intense nervousness. "They see you as a monster, you know? They despise you for what you've done. Especially Chuuya. I've heard it keeps him up at night."

"Then you've heard wrong. I know he adores me, but even Chuuya couldn't stand thinking about me for that long." I laughed at the prospect of it. Could you imagine? That would be the day.

"To hell, I couldn't, you damn waste of bandages!" Chuuya's voice echoed through the battle, and I couldn't help but laugh a little more, my eyes turning to the city only to see more death and more destruction and more pain and more reasons to only see them as pieces in my game, because in the end I'll just end up losing them all over and over again. I felt a knot in my stomach as I glanced over Chuuya, his petite frame covered in blood as he cradled a body, his eyes focused on me. "Why would I waste my time thinking about you when I have all these people I need to protect?"

"Touché." I agreed, my eyes returning to Fyodor before I tore myself apart from the inside out. I was never one to be able to handle large amounts of death at any one time. I know that's the whole reason I joined Mafia, to find a meaning to life amongst all the death, but it was just something I could never handle because I knew that when push came to shove, I couldn't protect them. I'm just a suicidal monster waiting for my end. But I don't want to be like that anymore. I chose to be on the side that saves people. I want to make Odasaku proud. This was all for him. And then one of these days, I can bring him back. One of these days, I can save him, and that'll be the day I have absolute control. That'll be the day. But that's the problem. I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared I'm going to panic and lose everything again. I don't want to subject them to that possibility. They don't deserve it. I don't want to turn into that scared little boy again.

"You can't protect them if you're still stuck in the past!" I heard Chuuya shout, his eyes burning into the back of my head, and I was hit with a wave of realisation that I had previously not wanted to come to terms with. I think that all makes sense now. "It wasn't your fault, Dazai. To me, to us, you were no monster. Now get that into that damn head of yours."

"But-" I went to argue - to interject; something. But he was always better at verbal wars than I was. I guess it comes with being short - that's all he really had to defend himself against those taller, bigger and stronger. Stupid ginger prick.

"I don't have time for your damn rebuttals. Save the person that's right in front of you rather than those in your past. They're gone, but we're not. We're still here." 

My name is Osamu Dazai, and this is my story. Our story. Do not enjoy, but feel our pain.