Ebony's ruined movie reviews

Sparkle magic twilight🦇✨💅🏻

✨💅🏻🦇 Cullens🦇✨💅🏻

For the first time. 

According to this new group of friends, the Cullen's are 'teenagers' that are the foster children of a doctor and his wife who live in the town. These Cullen children are not only visibly NOT children and NOT seventeen, but they are so pale you'd believe they were ghosts instead of vampires (spoiler alert if you didn't already know). 

It seems that all of them are in some sort of fishy borderline incestual relationship except for one.

Bella and Edward have a little eye contact moment like

😐

😐

🤨 (Me) "yall okay-"

😐

😐

Bella walks into what seems to be chemistry class and just as she does, Edward holds his hand over his nose because he just did the biggest stank and he knows she's going to sit right beside him and when she smells it she will never want to be his friend ever-

Edward is honestly panicking as she comes to sit beside him and to be honest if I didn't know he was a vampire with a thirst for her blood, I would have thought he'd shit his pants because like, he's arching his back and squeezing his butt cheeks the whole time like 💀💀💀💀💀

If that didn't make it awkward, then Ed's very obvious staring will. There's nothing like taking chemistry when there's a failed experiment sitting right beside you, glaring at you like you're the cause of it's pain and suffering. 

Finally, when the bell rings, Ed runs off like he's about to shoot a load through his ass and ends up hightailing it to the office so he can beg for a different class, which gets declined.

We cut to yet another brutal hugging scene brought to you by a group of vampires before Bella is back at school the next day.

Ed and her meet in biology class again and they're having a terribly awkward and boring chat as they look through the microscope and say,

Anaphase

Prophase

Metaphase

Abadphase (this movie)

Then we get the famous scene where Bella is just standing beside her car and a guy in his parent's minivan (probably) comes sliding through the school car park and towards her. Before Bella can escape the wrath of the mighty piece of metal, Edward - like superman - comes to her rescue, pushing the van away from her and causing a mass dent in the side of it. 

Later on, when asked about this, Edward tries to gaslight Bella into believing it's not true and claims that 'No one will believe her' um yeah they will because like, everyone saw it-

Like, everyone saw you do your little hop away, like that was not inconspicuous at all my guy.

Don't even lie to me and say that no one saw 💀💀

 No one brought it up for the simple fact that in order to keep the plot going to way it needed to, you could not have any of the other students questioning your identity.

Anyway, I digress.

Following this scene, we get a very short glimpse of Edward being the sleep paralysis material he is as Bella briefly catches him watching her sleep.

This is followed by another death caused by vampires and a few other skippable scenes, one of which explains why Jacob (little mudpie maker guy from before) and Edward will hate each other when they meet later in the movie. 

After that, Bella is attacked by a group of guys on a walk home I think and out of nowhere comes Ed (sheeran) in his shiny little car, doing drifties. Um, of course, being in this situation where you are approached by several shady guys would be absolutely terrible, but, what lightens the mood is the fact I can't take Ed seriously when he's trying to lightning mcqueen his way at the assailants. Strangely enough, a little corny growl from Edward is all it takes for them to back off and then Edward and Bella go off to have a little dinner date.

At the dinner date, Edward explains he can read people's minds and that people in the restaurant around them are thinking of things such as food, sex, money....

*Sees me*

"Irrational thoughts about scenarios that will never happen"

Bella is told that Edward can't read her thoughts - for lack of them or lack of accessibility, I don't know. 

So, with this newfound information Bella leaps into studying all about this pale skinned little man and figures out exactly what he is. After figuring out that he is the human equivalent of a mosquito, she decides to meet him in an isolated and murky forest. The perfect place to hide a bod- I mean...the perfect place to...swing like Tarzan from tree to tree, which is what they end up doing later on in the movie. 

Man's goes into the sunlight and shows Bella that in the sunlight he has his own personal Instagram filter already placed on his skin. When Bella tells him his glittering skin is beautiful, he replies "ThIs IS ThE SkIN OF a KILlEr, BeLLa" 

👁👄👁

It's also the skin of an 100+ year old virgin.

And then he tells her of how much he wants to suck her blood which is disturbing but she's into that. They hang out for a little bit and skip skip skip because most of this shit is all boring. Their relationship tastes to me like cardboard and smells like ass.  

Now we come to the part where Edward wants to introduce his newfound love interest (that he's known for a very short amount of time) to his parents. The parents (one of which is vampire Voldemort w/nose,) and so-called siblings are actually very considerate to Bella and even go so far as to make her an Italian dish by hand. Um, they make a lot for one person, but that's okay. 

Edward's so called sister Rosalie breaks a bowl after hearing that Bella had already eaten. She doesn't like Bella because Bella smells like a good old scent of chicken nuggets when you're hungry... except those chicken nuggets are your sibling's chicken nuggets and they don't share. 

Also you're supposed to be a vegetarian. 

Now, I'll stop that there.

I'll update part two if this chapter gets the love its supposed to :( 

So please click that big star up the top of the page and comment otherwise Edward will be the spider on your bedroom wall.

And you won't be Bella.

As if you could outrun him 🙄

Bye-