Graffiti Night

Just Let Him Go...

"I know where you stand,
"Silent in the trees,
"And that's where I am,
"Silent in the trees.
"Why won't you speak,
"Where I happen to be?
"Silent in the trees,
"Standing cowardly.

"I can feel your breath.
"I can feel my death.
"I want to know you.
"I want to see.
"I want to say hello." I continue to listen to their song, my eyes closed, letting the music fill my head, the lyrics playing over and over in my head. Tears fall from my eyes, down my cheeks and into my hands that are lying limp in my lap. Oli takes one of my hands and squeezes it. I look at him and smile weakly. The song finishes and I feel myself release a breath I didn't realise I was holding in. I stand up and run up the steps into the stage, before anyone can stop me, as everyone cheers for that beautiful song they just played. I know exactly what I have to do. Mac has sung me this song so many times to help me relax. Although it does include screaming, Joel can do that and I'll sing Mac's parts. I want to say goodbye to Mac in a way he can hear. Joel gives me a strange look as I grab a mic off the tech guy. I walk over to him.
"Can we do Give It All?" I whisper to him.
"Do you know it?" He asks. I nod.
"Alright then." He nods. He looks at his band. "Give It All guys. Let's do this last song for him. We have to give it all." I smile weakly.
"Hi everybody, I'm not actually part of this band, I'm just filling in for Mac, but I thought this was a way that I could actually say goodbye properly. This songs depicts how Mac lived. He gave his everything and never gave up. I hope you enjoy." I say. I hear the synth and keyboard begin as Benji starts off the song, followed by George who begins drumming at an incredible speed. Joel comes in screaming. I let the music fill my body and I get an exhilarating rush as I open my eyes and see everyone watching us. I hear my part coming up and as it does, a small smile breaks across my face as I stare up at the sky where I know Mac is watching us.
"I give it all, and when I fall, I get up and give some more.
"Until there's nothing left of me - just some bones stacked on the floor." I sing it with every inch of my body, each word nearly coming out as a scream. Joel screams some more and before I know it, the song finishes. People stand up and cheer. We get a standing ovation. Something I was hoping for.
"This is for you Mac." I say into the mic. Everyone cheers louder. I feel an arm wrap around my shoulder and look up to see Joel. He grins at me and waves out to the crowd. The adrenaline pumping through my veins is so exhilarating. I feel a grin break across my face.
"We love you Mac." Joel yells into his mic. Benji, George, James and Adam stand beside me and we all take a bow. We run off stage and I run straight into Oli's arms.
"You've done him proud." He says with a smile. I nod, tears trailing down my cheeks. He wipes them away and kisses me lightly. We sit back down and everyone is in a lighter mood. I feel happy, for once. This was a proper goodbye.
"And this concludes our ceremony. We will now go to local graveyard where Mac will be placed in the ground. This will only be for family and close friends. Thank you." The priest concludes. Everyone moves off and I find myself running to the car, before I burst into tears again.

~•~

We reach the graveyard early and so Oli just parks the car and we just wait.
"That was amazing, Amber. It really was. He will be happy, forever." Oli says, kissing the top of my head. I nod and blink back tears.
"I just can't help thinking that if I hadn't of been that harsh, he wouldn't have done this." I frown.
"Amber, look at me." He says, turning my head to face his with his thumb and forefinger. "This isn't your fault. This was a horrible event, that had nothing to do with you." I nod slowly.
"Maybe."
"Let me see your wrists." I try to tuck them under my armpits but he grabs them before I can. He pulls up my sleeves and looks at the cuts. His eyes fill with sadness, sympathy, and... anger? His jaw clenches.
"Why are you angry?" I ask suddenly.
"I'm not." His eyes meet mine.
"Yes you are, I can see it in your expression and your eyes. The way you clenched your jaw."
"I'm just angry that I couldn't protect you." He says quietly
"Oli, please don't be. You can't protect me from everything."
"Well I can at least try." He says firmly.
"I don't want you to. I don't want you to put padding on every corner of furniture in your apartment. I don't want you to wrap me in bubble wrap so I can't hurt myself. I don't want you to take away every sharp thing in the apartment."
"I'm not going to! Amber, I don't want you to hurt yourself. I'm scared!" He yells.
"Well," I say, my eyebrows furrowing. "You can't protect me from everything." I pause, thinking of something else to say. "And you certainly can't protect me from myself!" He looks stunned. I turn to open the car door, but he locks it with one push of a button on his side.
"Unlock the door." I demand. He shakes his head.
"No."
"Unlock the goddamn door!" I yell, tears brimming my eyes. He sees the tears and next thing I know his lips are on mine. My eyes close briefly before they snap back open and I pull away.
"Fuck off!" I yell. "You can't just kiss me the moment we've had a fight! God, Oli! That's the most immature thing a guy can do! Unlock the fucking door and give me five minutes of space and to calm down! Is that easy enough for you to do?" He opens his mouth to say something, but closes it and looks away, unlocking the door. I open it and get out, slamming it loudly and walking away. I let out a frustrated scream as I walk deeper into the gravestones and wipe a tear that's trailing down my cheek away. I sit down on a bench and rest my head in my hands. I hear the crunch of gravel under foot as someone approaches. I don't look up, because I know it's Oli. He sits next to me.
"I'm sorry." He says in a husky voice. I don't reply, I just watch a centipede make its way through the gravel pieces. Oli shuffles closer and wraps his arms around me.
"I really am, Amber. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to make this day even worse for you. I was just upset at... me. I was upset at me. I'm sorry, babe." His voice is sincere. I look up at him, our eyes connecting.
"I am too. I don't mean to scare you." I say. He nods and kisses the top of my head.
"I love you." He says.
"I love you, too." I say back to him. He plants a kiss on my lips and stands up.
"Shall we do this?" He asks, holding out a hand. I take it and stand up, nodding.
"Let's do this." He squeezes my hand and we walk to the top of the hill where Mac is going to be buried.

~•~

I am now sitting on the living room couch in Mac's house for the wake. This doesn't feel right. Mac should be laughing next to me about some stupid video on YouTube. I look at the glass in my hand. It's water. I get up and go into the kitchen. It's empty, thank god. I search the pantry for a while before I find a bottle of vodka. This is needed. I empty the water in my glass into the sink and fill it with vodka.
Oli is off talking to some people about shit. I just found myself a spot on the couch and ignored everyone who tried to start a conversation with me. It took them a really long time to figure out that I really didn't want to speak to anyone. I take a gulp of my vodka and wince as the liquid burns my throat. I keep taking sips till I've nearly finished the glass. Oli sits next to me.
"Everyone is so nice here." He says with a smile. I nod.
"Yeah, he has a lot of close friends and family." I reply, nearly slurring my words. He hesitates, studying me carefully.
"Have you been drinking?" He asks. I glance at my glass and back to him. I shake my head, my eyes widening a bit, as I chew the inside of my lip. I drain what's left in the glass and try my hardest not to scrunch up my face as the liquid goes down, but fail as Oli snatches my glass off me and drinks the last drop in it. He gives me a blank, unimpressed look.
"Amber." He whines.
"Don't blame me." I snap. He sighs and stands up.
"Let's get you home before the alcohol really sets in." He says. I huff but stand up. I stagger over to Sam and Amanda.
"Thank you for having me. I really hope everything goes well from here on. I love you guys so much." I hug both of them tightly and plant a sloppy kiss on each of their cheeks. Amanda takes my hand and leads me to the front door.
"Sweetie, are you drunk?" She asks. I stare at her, not saying anything, thinking of an appropriate response.
"Nope." I say, shaking my head. She raises an eyebrow and I sigh. "Maybe... Kinda..." She raises her eyebrow higher. "Yes. I'm drunk. Is it that obvious?" She nods, chuckling lightly.
"Thank you so much for coming sweetheart. You are welcome to come over whenever you want. I love you and so does Sam. You're like the daughter we never actually had." I smile sadly at her.
"Thank you, Amanda, really. There is no one else who I'd rather have as my "fill-in" mum." She laughs lightly and I feel an arm snake around my waist. I look up at Oli and he grins down at me.
"Wait!" I say loudly as he begins to pull me out the door. He stops.
"I just wanted to say, I love everyone here!" I shout. Everyone looks at me. "George, I love you. Adam, I love you. Benji, I love you. James, I love you. Joel, I love you. Sam, I love you. Amanda, I love you. Mr. Parker, I love you. Damian, I love you too. Jessica, I love you." Before I can finish my rounds, Oli drags me out the door, everyone laughing as he does. He manages to get me in the car after I yell and thrash about for him to let me go. He clips my belt in and gets into the drivers side. He puts the keys in the ignition, but does that start the car. Instead he looks at me, a lopsided grin on his face.
"What?" I ask, suddenly feeling annoyed.
"You're beautiful." He says.
"Stop being cheesy and kiss me already." I snap. He chuckles and shakes his head.
"Nope."
"Kiss me." I demand. He laughs and shakes his head.
"Not happening, sorry." He smirks, a mischievous glint in his eyes. I fumble to unclip my belt while he starts the car. I finally get it undone, just as he's about to drive off, and climb onto Oli's lap. I kiss him deeply, not holding back. He hesitates, contemplating whether he should kiss me back or not, but soon melts into the kiss. His hands rest on my ass and he kiss my neck. I find the lever on the side of the seat which makes it lye back. He laughs as I push the seat backwards into lying position and then return to kissing him.
"You know, it's lucky it's dark outside and no one can see us in here." He murmurs.
"Who cares if anyone could anyway."
"Live porn isn't always the best." I hit his arm and he shuts up. His hands reach around my back and begin to unzip my dress. He helps me manoeuvre out of it and soon enough I'm half naked and pull off his jacket and unbuttoning his shirt. His hands are all over my body and I shiver as they brush my inner thigh. I unbutton his pants and pull them off. Oli turns off the ignition and flips us over so he's on top of me. He opens the glove box quickly and reveals a condom packet. I chuckle softly and he kisses me again.

~•~

"I've never done it in a car before." I breathe as I lye on the bed next to Oli. He chuckles.
"Neither. It was fun. Difficult but fun." He laughs.
"We should try it again some time."
"Now that I would be happy to do." He grins. "How do you feel?"
"Other then depressed, shit, drunk and in love? Moody." I answer. He laughs.
"Well then. What kind of mood are you in?" He asks.
"A... naughty one." I purr, kissing his neck. He chuckles and pulls me on top of him.
"Round two?"
"Sounds like fun." I smirk.

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Hey guys,
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Thanks dudes 😘
That's all from me!
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