✨my diary/thoughts✨

exposing Rue (code name: Judge Turpin)

She would always touch me.

She would whisper in my ear and touch my hair, arms, feet, back, legs, and chest. It was so annoying honestly. [I'm still haunted by it. Sometimes at night I "feel" her next to me and it's so nauseating. Sometimes the memory of her leaning in close to touch my shoulder or back and whisper in my ear makes me cringe and flinch. It's like she's still there.]

And then she'd make me do things with her. 

During a show, I cried constantly from cramps and felt nauseous because birth control was fucking with my hormones. 

She thought bringing me out into the cold late at night and telling me about her abusive ex boyfriend and suicide attempt for an hour straight would make me feel better. 

Did not, obviously.

[I was so scared to say no to her. Sometimes I actually wouldn't mind and I would agree with her and say yes. But other times, I really wanted to say no. I said no one time (she asked if I had a pencil sharpener, and I said no BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE ONE) and she looked like she was about to cry and she ignored me for 20 minutes. She put her head down and didn't do any work. The teacher came over and asked her if she was ok. She shook her head no and she went on about how she ruined the friendship. This happened another time when she pointed out a really ugly pimple on my face that I thought no one had noticed. She pressed on about it even though it was really obvious I was uncomfortable. I cried a bit because I was an insecure bitch. She then started crying, too, and told the teacher that our friendship was ruined and she was a horrible person. She would say it loudly and then sneak glances at me to make sure I had heard everything. It was supposed to make me feel bad and keep being friends with her (even though I didn't stop being friends with her cuz I didn't have a pencil sharpener lol).]

And then she touched me some more. I couldn't move for what felt like HOURS because of her.

[It was the middle of the night. I don't know what time. I don't know for how long. It was either the night of Friday, March 10th or the morning of Saturday, March 11th. My phone was far away and charging on the floor. The hotel bed was kinda high off the ground, and the blankets were very heavy and still partially tucked into the bed. It was very hard to move. I was sleeping next to Rue. The other bed was the twin girls (sophomores) who were rooming with us. They were fast asleep. Rue was on the left side of the bed, and blocking my view of the clock on the nightstand. It was very dark. All the lights were off, the curtains were closed, the door to the rest of our room was only open by an inch. Rue was snoring so loudly I couldn't sleep at all. Then I heard someone murmuring, and I realized it was her. I don't know if she was sleep talking or what. I thought maybe that it was important (it sounded like a question), so I whispered, "what?", but I was half asleep so it came out like a "hm??". What a mistake that was. I felt her move a little bit beside me. That's when she grabbed me. She grabbed my left boob and kept touching it. At some point, she tried to get on top of me. My eyes were closed the whole time because I was too scared to open them. I wanted her to stop, but I was too scared to say anything, and I didn't want to wake anyone else up (I didn't want to be rude). I tried to move but I couldn't because she was holding me down. She kept touching my boob for a few minutes (I don't really know what she was trying to do), but the worst part is that I wasn't wearing a bra (because I don't wear bras to bed, I'm pretty sure that's a normal thing because if you DO wear it to bed, your boobs will be saggy?? I don't know), so it was really fucking awkward and uncomfortable. (BUT I HAD PAJAMAS ON. They were plaid winter pajamas. Long-sleeved shirt and pants.) Then I guess she got tired and she rested her head on my boob and FELL ASLEEP for a LONG TIME. I couldn't move and I was really scared she would yell at me or touch me more if I moved and said anything. Writing this now, it seems really fucking dumb that this little thing bothered me so much. I guess you just have to think about it from the point of view of a closeted teenager who is super insecure about their body.]

[The other nights during the trip weren't AS BAD. She snored and it bothered me so much I couldn't sleep at all and I cried. Saturday night (technically Sunday morning), she pressed her cold bare feet against my back and kicked me off the bed so I fell on the floor at 4AM. I was awake for 18 hours that day and she had taken all my money so I couldn't buy any food for myself.]

[A few days later, she invited me to a sleepover at her house. She said she had a room dedicated to sleepovers with her friends and she said we had to sleep together in the same bed (a king bed) and it'd be fun.]

March was the Myrtle Beach trip. I got ... by my friend and then I fell in love with Elvis.

[The second day of the trip (Friday, March 10th) she made everyone breakfast. She overbaked this crusty croissant thing, I don't know what it was. It tasted burnt and horrible but I ate it anyway (it was also very small) because I didn't want to be rude. Then for lunch (which was at the hotel room and not with everyone else) she made pizza for herself and the twins. There was a table near the kitchen. Four chairs, except one was pushed against the wall and no one could fit back there. They all sat at the table. There was no room for me. There was no food for me. I was so hungry and I had a cramp ALL DAY. I was in so much pain by dinner time I cried for 2 hours straight and felt nauseous because of the crying and I had a headache and I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't eat because I wasn't in the mood but I also was so hungry my stomach hurt from not eating. Later that night but before everyone else went to sleep, after we came back in from the balcony, she went to the vending machine and got me M&Ms and we watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine until like 11PM. She was ok sometimes but other times not. And now typing it all out and thinking about it maybe I was just too sensitive and she WAS a good person and a good friend who just ... me once.]

[Elvis was just my "distraction obsession" (something or someone you suddenly obsess over to distract yourself from something you don't want to think about) so I could just be in denial about what happened that night. She made fun of me for it. But I guess it IS weird that I was so horny for a dead man after being ... by a girl.]

[I tried telling some of this to my mom (taking my money, touching me) a random late night in December. She told me I was manipulated by this girl. But now she acts like I didn't tell her anything. My mom doesn't understand why I don't go to Latin Club anymore (because turpin is there) and she tells me to go because she "didn't pay $20 for me to be scared of an annoying kid".]

[She also accused me of being autistic ALL THE TIME. In class, we were just talking and I was talking about Elvis (distraction obsession) and she was like "that's a hyperfixation, you have autism" and I was like wtf. I don't "have" anything, I'm the most normal person I know. Another time when she requested we FaceTime, she said loudly (everyone in my house could hear it) "you were that kid with undiagnosed ADHD" after I said that I was hyper sometimes in 3rd grade. Like girl, come on, I was 8 years old. Every little kid is hyper, especially when they're playing fun games with friends, it doesn't mean my brain is weird. She would always say these things and it made me super uncomfortable. I hate it when people tell me what I am and it's not even slightly accurate, like you're the person who looks dumb here, not me.]

[whenever I mentioned viola, orchestra, music (a lot, cuz I'm a musician, duh), she told me this story. In elementary school, she played cello for a year but was bad at it and her teacher yelled at her one time. She literally told me that's why orchestra sucks and I shouldn't play an instrument. Like girl what the hell. I can do what I want. I'm actually GOOD at my instrument and I've been playing for years and it makes me happy. Just because you're bad at something and don't like it doesn't mean you have to tell people THEY can't do it anymore. Like, I'm lowkey bad at drawing and I've definitely cried about it before, yet I don't go up to my artist friends and say "I'm bad at drawing so you need to stop drawing so I don't get angsty" that doesn't make sense...I'm literally so impressed by how good some of my friends are at drawing (LOLO YOUR ART IS BEAUTIFUL) wow am i just bragging at this point that I'm a decent human being and turpin is not?? lmao]

[Rue/Judge Turpin is on AO3 and not Wattpad so she'll never find this, thank god]