SIMPLY FRIENDS - UZUREN

Simply friends

Like always, I didn't take long to get to the Ubuyashiki mansion. I think nobody has realized or at least, hasn't said anything that could point out their possible suspicions. I keep my head high and joke with Kyojuro, like always, we talk about everything and nothing at all, all the time. He smiles. Like always. Kyo always smiles.

I would be lying if I said that I don't feel jealous when I hear him laugh out loud with anyone he crosses paths with; but is that joy, that freedom to laugh and that strength to do it so genuinely, despite everything he has lived, what makes me admire him.

Fourteen weeks have passed since I overstepped the boundaries that for me were so blurry, between the two. Fourteen weeks and three days to be exact. The Spring makes the sun come out between the clouds and I think it shines. Its warmth blinds me and I make a mocking expression to hide that I don't feel lost when the soft midday breeze plays with the borders of his haori. I want one. I would've loved to have a cape.

He catches my attention so much.

I know I said that Kyo always smiles; but, I forgot to mention that the smiles that he gives me are not the same. Surely you will believe that I'm crazy to ensure something like that; my conjectures are the results of the uncountable time that we've spent together since we've met. Connecting with someone is not so easy in this job; since there's always the threat to die, to lose and that is something I, as all the hashiras, know well.

I remain silent while the boss recounts the victories and losses we have had in the last three months, as well as the assignment of the next missions. I don't turn to see him. I try hard not to when I hear the task he has at hand and think about how much I would like to accompany him.

When will the day be when there is a mission so dangerous that they need us together to fight? I'm a selfish piece of shit for dreaming about that.

But even now, given our current situation, maybe Kyo doesn't feel as comfortable with me. I don't need to say it, I know it from his eyes and his laugh: he doesn't laugh the same amount of time anymore at my silly jokes and insinuations. I hear it. His music is full of confusion and nervousness.... and I generated that. Like a monster. An idiot. He stopped laughing like always, because of me.

"What I should do is give him space," I thought and instantly dismissed it. If I stay away from him the others will notice that something is wrong and it would be worse for Kyo if they ask him. He is an expert at hiding emotions from him; how I envy that. I don't want to leave him, I don't want us to stop being friends, as always. I want that. But I also want more. What we have is not enough for me or what we had until three months ago. I want him.

I know exactly where he is, so I enter in complete silence and close the door, purposely letting his subtle shuffling give me away. If Kyo wants me to leave he can say it instantly.

I see him rise from the ground, straight, with his back to me. I hate and am grateful not to see his face. I had never been this nervous. Before, fourteen weeks and three days ago, everything seemed simpler to me, displaying my, now I know, exhaustible confidence. Sunlight struggles to filter through the curtains, but there is no wind to move them. We don't move and I try to talk. But he interrupts my elaborations on the tasks we were ordered to do:

—Will you take your wives? —His voice is deeper than on other occasions.

—Maybe... I'm still devising a strategy. —We don't laugh: there is no reason to pretend when we are alone.

—Take care of yourself. —From his tone I know that he intends for those to be his last words in this conversation and I take a breath to take courage.

—I don't regret what I did. —My words are strong enough to stop him. But he still doesn't look at me... please... look at me...

—It is invasive to listen to the hearts of others...

Something stirs inside my chest at being discovered like that. Was that a cutting tone? It felt like a stab to my heart.

—It's impossible not to when it beats as strong and fast as yours. —I sounded a little annoyed, so I softened my voice to continue talking. —What are you so afraid of? I know what's worrying you, so let me tell you that this is very normal, Kyojuro... —I'm desperate, I get closer to him but I still respect his space. —I could talk to them and they would understand that you and I...

—"You and me" what?

I need to hug him.

—Well, that you... that I...

—We are friends.

His voice sounds almost like a balm and a dagger at the same time. He let my shoulders slump, feeling defeated and exasperated. How can you tell me something like that?

—You hear it? —Kyo turns around and I can finally see him. His smile, his eyes full of mixed emotions. It would be so easy to reach out to cup his cheeks and do the same thing I did three months ago during the winter. But I do not do it. I nod. —I'm afraid. I always thought about dedicating my life to others, to saving others; but that feeling of protection and sacrifice is very different from the one I feel with you, Tengen...

The connections inside my head move at a speed hindered by the surprise and ambiguity of his words and it is my body that receives the true message. I rest my hands on the wall so I don't fall on him when he pulls the collar of my uniform towards him and I hunch over so that my lips don't lose their correct trajectory.

Is this a kiss?

I smile against his lips because of the tenderness that makes me realize that he doesn't even know that he should move his lips for this to be a real kiss. I lower my hands behind his back, happy to finally be able to touch him beyond a few friendly pats, and feel the firm edges that his clothing hides from him. I won't go far. I'll do it slowly so as not to scare or overwhelm him. I let him kiss me like only he can.

This may work, this may be something else. My wives would understand. They adore Kyo almost as much as I do. I don't have to choose, I can be selfish and have it all and him. With me. I open my eyes to see him without moving away and I hear him: "Give me until after the mission... now I know more about what I feel, but I need time..."

I let out my laugh and he joined me. —You've played with my patience enough, Rengoku. —I mocked and accepted his conditions.

I love my best friend.