Illusions.

Chapter 1: Nothing's New.

"Renren, ayusin mo nga yung mga gamit mo dito ang kalat kalat!", sigaw ni mama.

I immediately took off my headphones and dropped my pencils to pay attention to her.

"Nag-dadrawing ka nanaman? Diba sabi ko tigilan mo na 'yan? Walang kakwenta-kwentang bagay 'yang pinaglalaanan mo ng oras!"

I looked down and fixed my things as my mother continuously yelled at me like I've done something unacceptable.

"Buti pa yung mga pinsan mo, ang gagaling kumanta! Siguradong malayo ang mararating ng mga 'yon. Eh ikaw? Wala eh. Pinapairal mo kasi yang kaartehan mo. Inaaya ka naming kumanta, ayaw mo naman." , dagdag ni papa.

When will they understand that I'm only talented in arts and I don't want to sing?

I held back my tears and just fixed my things. As usual, magkukulong ulit sa kwarto.

It has always been like this. My parents have always wanted me to pursue singing, even if I'm not confident and I just don't want to. They've always thought that arts is nothing but a waste of time.

Not only that. They also always compare me to my cousins, or my friends.

Hindi lang sa larangan ng pagkanta, kung 'di maging sa iba pang bagay.

Kahit sa kapatid kong si Leo, palagi akong naikukumpara. Palagi nilang pinagmamalaki yung kapatid ko sa lahat. Bibo at masiyahin daw kasi. And when it comes to me, they always embarrass me in front of everyone.

"always quiet and shy, that's why no one talks to her"
"she's worthless"
"she's the black sheep of the family"

But in fact, I wasn't like this before.

It only changed when I got tired as I grew up. As a kid kasi, I was never aware about how others treat me. They can always shout at me and I'd still love them. They can always embarrass me and I'd still care for them. But as I grew up, I started to understood that life has always been unfair for me.

And I had no reason to even smile and be positive anymore.

I've always wanted to make my parents proud. So that I can avoid their words that hurt me everyday. And for them to love me as well.

Kasi I feel like they will only be proud of me if I obey them and to actually not have my own decisions.

I never thought that I would have a hard time receiving genuine love from my parents, kahit na dapat regular ko siyang natatanggap.

Not to mention, but I'm also on top of my class. "Matalino" at "magaling" palagi ang tingin nila sa'kin. But they only saw the outcome and not my hard work.

Just like my parents rin. They always notice the mistakes instead of my hard work and efforts. Yung tipong uuwi ako with just one mistake sa exam, tapos 'yun na palagi nilang ipo-point out.

That's why I've always wanted to be perfect.

Even if I risk my mental health, and my life in general.

My parents are constantly arguing all the time rin. I'm tired of all the shouting, door banging, whatever.

But even if I act like I don't care, it affects me a lot.

I just found myself crying alone, wishing that everything will be perfectly fine.

Which will never be.

And at the same time, I wish that God will finally take me. So I can finally be at peace, for once.

Nothing's new.

It has always been like this.

I'm Serenity by the way. Serenity Lei Tuazon. Renren in short. My life's pretty tragic no? I don't even know why and how am I still alive at this point LMAO.

I'm tired.

My illusions are my only escape from this tragic reality.

When will this cycle end?