Send it

Was I ever who I thought I was

I don't do good enough

But I know we'll end together beautifully

I have this memory of mist rain and stretching lawns

Fresh air coming from a single window in the living room

A house big and wide for my younger body

Spinning the dial to a half-broken radio

Listening to pop songs

I was home, felt alone, from kindergarten.

I don't do good enough to feel fresh in my loneliness

Like that no more

Where you sleep and I roam

Experiencing everything for the first time with geniality

I don't do good enough

To love like this

Colorful shirts and shorts, pretty hair ties and hairdos

A backpack the size of my body

I woke up early, and I always saw the morning dew first to greet me

And maybe I will return,

To a life like that

I have to tell myself we'll end together beautifully. 

-------------------------------

It weakens my life to know that I ever found you exhausting

I make years for my way to the right love for us to keep

It's too late to not have these daunting memories

My introspective judgments spreading what I think is right, a butter into my shared traumas

Nothing could ever be mine alone.

I had smiled for you, not because of you.

Don't blame me for it, please.

I'm selfish over when I was young and over selfish because I am not.

Nothing could ever be mine alone but that brevity

When I didn't mind being young

And after you.  After you again but so alone.

I don't hate depression. I can't hate what doesn't exist.

after I abandon my denial, I will beg you to commit filicide.

Take me, like your loneliness did.

If I can't love you in life, I know it can be better in death.

force my regrets to rush to the forefront and show me a glimpse. 

It has weakened my life, please, don't blame me for how you have affected me.

I'm sorry. That you are the creature you are because of who I am.

And resent me because I have claimed that creature.

When it was not my responsibility.  I hear you yelling at me. 

but finish what you take.

please. 

just like your loneliness, I will eventually find comfort in your spurn. 

 I'm selfish over when I was young and over selfish because I'm not. 

while you spurn me, I grow old into no one's child.