𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐍𝐎𝐖 | h.s

chapter twenty two

But I don't want him to stop looking, nor stop getting blackout drunk and ending up on my door step. I should hate him but I just can't bring myself to the opposite of what I feel for him, after all these years nothing has changed.

Nothing at all.

"Fuck it," I whisper to myself, walking to my bedroom and shutting door. Grabbing my phone from my pocket I quickly unlocked it and clicked onto Spotify.

I'm probably going to regret this, but then again when I have regretted anything that has been associated with him?

Funnily enough I searched up his name and along came my music with it.

And Falling.

"Well," I say to myself before clicking onto it, hoping that another random song would come in front of it so I wouldn't have to listen.

My Spotify premium not coming in clutch today.

Silence fills my ears as the song plays, and then a piano melody that feels like a warm hug.

A too familiar piano melody.

I'm in my bed

Well I am in mine for sure.

And you're not here

And there's no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands

11/3/17

"Quiet they might hear us!," I whisper shout to Harry as we stumble into the house, the boys all asleep upstairs as we were attempting to atleast make it to the sofa.

"Sorry baby," Harry giggled as I kicked my shoes off, walking slowly with my arm around his waist incase he fell. "What's the worst possible thing that could happen if I just-."

"No," I whispered sternly, I didn't know what was coming out of his mouth but I didn't want to hear it because if we got caught this would end worse than this night did.

"You're so beautiful," He says in awe as we get to the kitchen counter, "You need to sober up now."

I quickly grab a bottle water from the fridge and open it as he creeps up behind me, "Gorgeous," His hoarse voice sends a shiver up my spine as his hands trail lower than they should.

I turn around to face him with an unimpressed look on my face, "Sorry Angel."

And I can't take it back, I can't unpack the baggage you left

Maybe I shouldn't of listened to the song after all.

What am I now? What am I now?

What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

29/3/17

"Sometimes I just think, what would happen if I just gave up y'know?" Harry looked at me as he talked, "What would happen if I just stopped doing anything." He looked down now, something shifting in the air as he uttered that sentence.

"Then you wouldn't know if we would break up," I say quietly to him as he looks up almost offended.

"Why would you-."

"Or if we'll stay together till we're old and withered," I snaked an arm around his waist, bringing his head to my chest.

"Or if we would win a Grammy, or if we would completely fail if you stayed alive. Or if you stopped doing anything you wouldn't see if it would get better or not, don't you think that's worth it too? The hope of it all working out?"

He nuzzled his head into the crook of my neck as I spoke softly to him, something wet dripping down onto my exposed skin.

I started to rub small circles on his nape under his curly hair as his breath began to quicken, he never wanted to cry in front of me no matter the times I had broken down in tears onto a new shirt or hoodie.

I'll always want him around no matter what, I don't know what I would do without him.

And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you

And the coffee's out

At the Beachwood Cafe

My eyes widen at the reference, knowing that everyone who was there will know that I had something to do with his song.

And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say

What am I now? What am I now?

What if I'm someone I don't want around?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

What if I'm down? What if I'm out?

What if I'm someone you won't talk about?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

And I get the feeling that you'll never need me again

6/4/17

His words sounded like the golden rays of sunlight peaking out of my curtains which were drawn closed for the whole day as I rotted in bed, the thing that I didn't know I needed but got me out of bed so I could take a picture of the pretty light outside kissing the trees and flowers that I had recently grown and forgot to water.

But I found his words to sting like the feeling I got when I caught a glimpse of my reflection as I was changing, the sting lingering as if I was told I wasn't good enough by the ones who were supposed to encourage me to continue with the effort I was putting in.

"So what did you think?" He smiles eagerly after singing, leaning back against the closed piano case.

"I mean, it's beautiful." I force out a smile, making my way towards him as he snakes an arm around my waist, "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I loop my arms around his neck, going on my tippy toes to meet his face as he kisses my temple, "I just wish your lyrics weren't so sad, if feels like you'll never need me again with the way you sing about breaking up." I nervously chuckle, some truth coming out in my words as his smile falters.

"I'll never not need you Angel."

What if I'm down? What if I'm out?

What if I'm someone you won't talk about?

I'm falling again, I'm falling again, I'm falling

The song sombrely ends in another piano melody, a lesser blow than the intro of the song. I quickly turn off my phone, tossing it beside me.

Loving Harry was such a long time ago but yet  can't seem to let go no matter how many times my friends shove guys I've never met in my face, or how many times I delete Spotify so I don't find myself going back to the songs that I know are about me. No matter how hard I try to get rid of him he will always be apart of me, the weight weighing my heart down as each day passes.

When will I finally say his name and it'll mean his name without it meaning all of the hurt and pain he left behind?

When will I stop remembering it?

When will I stop thinking of love and then immediately thinking of Harry?

A/N - hi guys im back.. I hope you all are well and had/having a good day!!! and enjoy this chapter even though it low-key would ruin my day 😆😆 ily to those who stuck around after I disappeared. BUT IM BACK SO EXPECT MORE CHAPTERS TO COME!!!