When My Husband Decided To Marry Again

Love Advances

The next days after that 'memorable' evening were like throwbacks to our honeymoon stage. My love was the sweetest, the most thoughtful he could ever be. I was trying to enjoy each of his efforts yet,  I couldn't help but think that these were all 'love advances' for the coming days when ... you know ... I have to share his time and ... love with somebody else.  That he was doing this, bombing me with all the love, so at least I have something to look back on, or he is advancely making up for the future days when he will be missing out.

I shook my head every time I think about it. And I embrace him tighter and smell him more. I would badly miss this. And my eyes would unavoidably tear up.

One morning when we were in the car, and he just stopped the car in front of our office, and as I kissed him goodbye, the truth came ricocheting once again as he said, "I won't be able to come home tonight, love."

My hands were still on his. "Why?" I asked. Expecting that he needed to go on a business travel or something.

"Today is the day." He replied.

Until that very moment, we have not talked about his succeeding marriage. I couldn't dare ask who was she, or when is the day. I couldn't ask about his plans for the days to come. I don't know, perhaps I was still subconsciously rejecting the truthfulness of the idea. Instead, I just allowed myself to enjoy the remaining period when he was just mine, all mine. You can't blame me.

"Ohh." I held his hand tighter. Suddenly, I did not feel like letting go. I did not feel like leaving the car. I did not feel like getting in the office. I did not feel like continuing the day, knowing that what lies ahead is a major change that's going to hurt but I had to accept.

Feeling my tighter hold on his hands, my love leaned forward to me for an embrace, a meaningful, tight, full of love-embrace. "I love you, my love."

His voice made me tear up again. I might have been telling myself from the very beginning that sooner or later this will happen. But I regret the days when I should have appreciate our alone times more. Now, they'll rarely happen. 

"I love you so much. Thank you for not making this hard for me." He whispered in my ears. 

That's because I love you more, I thought. But I controlled myself from saying it. I felt like if I did, then it would be harder for me to let things be. Then it will eventually mean making things harder for him. I need to control my desire, my love for him. Qadr Allah wa maa shaa fa'ala. Allah wills and does what He wills. I should remind myself of that more often now than ever.

I forced myself to let go of his embrace first, even when it was where I would want to spend the rest of my day.

"I know, my love," I said. "Call me whenever you can, okay? I'll miss you." I forced myself a smile.

"Yes, love. I will. And I will miss you more." I smiled at him again and hurriedly left the car and walked towards our office. I met officemates along the way so I found a reason not to look back, and keep on faking a smile.