Summer's Sweet Sickness (TSITP #4)

1 - Belly

It has been tough with Conrad over at Stamford all Winter, the long drives to and from Finch made longer by the empty passenger seat beside me. No one to stop at gas stations with and complain about the slushies being 'way too sugary!' No one to sing along to the radio with, quietly singing along to Taylor Swift's 'Love Story', even though we both know he knows all the words, it is our song after all. I mean, sometimes Taylor and Steven would come along for the ride, Steven wanting to see his 'bro' whilst Taylor wanted to check out what Stamford guys had to offer - much to Steven's annoyance. But regardless, it was nice to have some company, even if I did have to deal with my brother painfully trying to flirt with my best friend...and seeing it was working.

But finally: it was Summer. Conrad did make the trip to see me occasionally, but being pre-med at Stamford was no easy accomplishment, so I understood when he was swamped by his studies. We made long-distance work, talking on the phone for hours every night, it began to feel like he was always in my room with me, but the best times were when he actually was in my room with me. It didn't matter how tired he was, or how much studying he had to do, when he made the trip to see me, time was no object - every minute in his day was dedicated to me; and I loved it.

'I'll always have time for you, my little Belly Button.' He used to tease.

My favourite visit was when he helped me travel home over Christmas break, we walked all through the campus and listened to the carollers (the Finch Acapella group) bash down every dorm room begging for money, not for charity, but instead for their end-of-year showcase. It wasn't until they reached the end of silent night - the end of their set - when they realised that Conrad had tied their scarves together so they were stuck going door-to-door looking like a festive version of the human centipede.

Now as I pack up my dorm room for the year, my car filled to the brim with my belongings, with Junior Mint surfing the waves of the piles of boxes, I am ready to go back to Cousins. For the last two years all we could think about was Susannah and how much her presence there was missed, we came to realise that the magic of Cousins wasn't built into the house or engrained into the enchanted sand of the beach, but instead the magic was within her. And now she wasn't here anymore. So now, to keep Susannah alive, we have to recreate that magic, we need to be the one to keep Cousins alive, so she can always be here with us. It must be hard for the boys facing the house each year knowing that their mother was no longer inside of it with a fresh, warm plate of cookies and a 'Singin' in the Rain' DVD playing on loop in the background. But I think it's hard for my mother too, she doesn't come here as often as we do, she just can't face it, and I fear this year will be the same.

My mother always had a special bond with the Fisher boys, I think she could always see glimpses of her best friend within them. But it was different with Conrad, whilst she loved silly little Jere, there had always been a different kind of connection between the two of them, in each broken glance Conrad carried around with him, there was Laurel to receive, compute and share a glance back. She felt the pain he felt, not as his mother's best friend, but as a real mother, her maternity extended beyond Steven and I, but into the embrace of the Fisher boys. She understood that growing up it was Conrad that had to deal with the fallout of his father's affair, carrying the burden of shielding his younger brother, without taking the time to process his own feelings. In those moments, he stopped becoming Jeremiah's brother and started to become his surrogate father - providing love, support and empathy where his father couldn't, attending his swim meets and volleyball games, watching over and protecting him at parties, making sure he didn't see his mother break down into sadness almost every day. It was a huge responsibility, one that admittedly wasn't needed so much anymore as Jere was his own adult person, surviving on his own at Finch College (Hell, he even got into College!), but it was a feeling that never went away. He was so proud of Jere, and yet he still felt a guilt possessing him that he couldn't protect him from his mother's death, whilst he was at Stamford, it was Jeremiah that had to nurse his mother, watching her deteriorate day by day with the harsh reality of knowing that she wasn't able to get better, regardless of how many alternative treatments were offered. There is only so much a person can take. All of these complicated feeling were seen by Laurel, they were heard by Laurel, and now the Fisher's doesn't have a Susannah, a Laurel in Cousin's might provide the same warmth.

It was a long drive home, but I had Junior Mint for company and knowing that I am going home to my Conrad - what more could a person ask for?