Scope of Life || Yeonbin

chapter 3: secret session

I nodded, looking back at the two chairs in front of me. I looked back and forth between the two of them, and then decided to sit in the right chair. I sat awkwardly, interlacing my fingers together and placing my hands in my lap. My shoulders were tense, and she crossed her left leg over her right as she asked, "How're you doing today?"

I took a breath, "Good. We only had two calls today and it didn't take too long. We also got a new team member last week, and he's doing pretty well so far."

"Nice, that's great..." She replied, "What's this new person like? I haven't heard much from Channie."

I smiled softly, "He's really nice and honestly a genius."

"What's his name again?"

"Yeonjun."

She nodded, "So now you have six people on your team; maybe that'll help take some of the stress off you guys."

I chuckled lightly, "More like it just diffuses into him as well..." I quickly replied, and then instantly felt bad, "S-Sorry."

"No, it's ok. You're allowed to have an opinion, Soobin..." She said, opening her notebook to a fresh page, "Did you have any tough calls since we last met?" She asked, and I bet she already knew the answer.

I nodded, "J-Just one last Thursday."

She leaned forward a bit so she could take notes, "Would you like to tell me about it?"

"Umm..." I hesitated, because I honestly didn't want to. But I'm trying to get better, so I shyly responded, "Chan gave me the command. The suspect wouldn't calm down and pointed his gun at him. I-It's protocol."

She was writing something down, but picked her head up to ask, "And how did you feel right after?"

"Terrible..." I quickly replied, "B-But he would've shot hyung, so I don't know how to feel."

"Whatever you feel is valid..." She said, trying to get me to open up more, "No judgment, I promise."

I looked down at my fingers to avoid her eyes, "I-I know that if I didn't do something, he would've shot more people. When we got there, three hostages were already dead, b-but how does that make what I'm doing any better than him?"

"Soobin, what you're doing is keeping people safe; more people than you think."

"I just feel so guilty..." I replied, almost not hearing her previous comment. It suddenly felt really hot in here as well, "I-I can still see him on the floor. I-I'm the one who killed him."

"Have you been doing the breathing exercises we practiced for when you feel anxious?..." She asked, noticing the signs. I was tapping my thumb on my opposite hand, stuttering whenever I spoke. I quietly nodded, "Ok, let's start those again. Inhale, hold for three seconds, and then exhale."

I did as she said, inhaling, holding for three seconds, and then exhaling. It's similar to the breathing pattern I need to do when I'm in my sniper position. It helps to slow your heart rate and lower your blood pressure, counteracting the panicking state of an anxiety attack. I did it one more time, and I felt a little better. It's good to do them before you really start to panic, basically stopping it before it starts.

"There you go. Just breathe..." She said softly, and I tried my best to let the tension out of my shoulders, "Let's talk about something else. Have you been having nightmares since that happened? Any flashbacks?"

I took another deep breath, nodding as I said, "They've gotten worse the past couple of days."

She wrote something down on her notebook, "After this all happened last Thursday?..." She asked, and I nodded in response, "And have these nightmares been about this incident specifically, or are they about something else?"