Hey Sarge

Chapter 11 : Letting go

"What's going to happen if this doesn't work, Naomi."

"You know she wants you back, we all know that."

"Yeah but what's going to happen after? It was too much for her before, what if it's too much for her now and we fall out of this? Who's going to be there? Because we all know it's going to be my fault when she leaves! Just like it was when she left last time!"

"What do you mean, Ravi?"

"You all look at me like I'm a stranger, Naomi! When Pip left last year, how many times did you or anyone else come to visit me? How many times did I have to be the person to arrange things?"

Quiet, unspoken rage is spilling out of me, and though I try to resist, salty tears fall down my face. It's been a while since that's happened.

"Naomi, believe me, I love Pip with my whole fucking heart. And you guys might think that she needs me but let's set things straight. She left me. She had my heart in her hands and when she let go, my heart dropped and shattered. I cried for so many months and no one saw. But at least, I had friends, you know. At least, it wasn't like when Sal died and I had nobody. But you know what happens to people like me and Sal? We are always the victims! No one believes us or sticks up for us! All of you are Pip's friends first, mine second!"

"You're wrong! I was Sal's friend first but I got shut down, Silenced! Sal was my best friend but guess what? I had to sit still while everyone looked for Andie. Ravi! Everyone always looked at Andie, Nobody ever looked at me. Not even Sal! But I was his best friend so I let him go! Even if I loved him!"

We were both crying now. Both tainted in sorrow. All you hear was the wind.

I looked at Naomi. She's gone through so much. I don't think I could stand it if I watched Pip be in love with someone else, let alone never tell her how I felt.

Then Naomi took a deep breath.

"And because I was and still am Sal's best friend, I'll always choose him. Which means that I will always choose you, Ravi. I have known you since you were three years old, which means that you beat Pip by two years. Pip was always Cara's best friend, not mine, Ravi."

And then she left. And I was alone.

"You know she's right."

I look around and I see Sal.

"Did you know?"

"Did I know what?"

"That she loved you?"

"I did, but I knew that if I told her, she wasn't going to hear what she wanted"

"You didn't love her back?"

"Of course, I did."

"But in a friend way?"

"No."

"So why didn't you tell her?"

"Because I knew it would be for the better. And I had plans with Andie."

"But you loved her?"

"Yeah but I also loved Andie and it was different."

He sighed.

"I knew that if I had chosen Naomi, I would always be searching for something more. I had known Naomi my whole life. I needed someone else. And maybe that's a very dick thing to do but with Andie. I felt like I could run. Mom and Dad always saw me as some sort of prodigy, Naomi saw me as a savior, but Andie, Andie saw me as an equal. Everyone saw us in the same way. But we didn't want to be special. We just wanted to be free. Of fairview, and of everything."

The more I looked at Sal, the more he seemed to fade.

"You need to let me go, Ravi."

"What?"

"You need to let me go."

Tears started falling down my cheeks again but this time, they were falling without meaning.

They just felt like falling.

"Why? What do you mean by 'let you go', you're dead!"

"And still you're talking to yourself in the middle of the road."

He was right. But I can still see him.

"So what, are you trying to tell me that I'm crazy?"

"No, Rav, of course not but you need to stop this."

"Stop what?"

"Stop doubting yourself. You doubt yourself with school even though you know that you're a good student, you doubt that you have any friends even if they're always right in front of you. You even doubt yourself with Pip even though you know that you'll always find your ways back to each other. You used to be fearless, Ravi. Not scared of doing anything! That was until-"

"Until you died."

"Yeah.."

I was left in the silence of the wind, my breath, and the shadow of my dead brother.

"Why do we do this to ourselves?"

"Do what?"

"Not saying the things I want to say? Need to say. I mean, we do basically the worst damage to ourselves, why?"

"Have you ever heard the saying, 'I'll know when I'm older'?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, I'm not older but I'm dead and I still don't know."

That made me laugh. In fact, I don't why, but I'm still crying but I'm smiling and laughing, like a lot. It makes my ribs hurt.

"I wanted to hear you laugh like that before I go," Sal smiled.

"Do you have to? Go?"

"Yeah, I wanna go find Andie. You should go find Pip."

"But I'm not ready."

"Well then, when you are, I'll let you know."

"How?"

"Like I said, I don't know."

And then he left. My dead brother just died. Again.

But this time I was okay.

I'll be okay.

I have no doubt about that.