I can (not) save you

Prologue

Shinji took his time to go visit Asuka in the hospital, after he knew that she was there, he thinked of going or not, he just didn't felt he had the right to, the boy felt guilty for what had happened, not because of his beliefs about nobody caring about him and that every time he piloted the EVA always caused bad things, no, this was clearly different, he felt this because this time, he could have saved her, and he did nothing to.

--I just don't have the right to be there, I did nothing to save her--

The boy spent several nights on thinking about what he was going to do, and every time the same answer came to his mind.

"You don't have the right to"

Every day just passed the same way as the day before, he just stayed on his room on Misato's apartment, just going outside to grab some food and going to the restroom always thinking of unit 2's pilot; to this point it was clear for him what he felt for her, it had always been, but he always rejected that feelings because of Asuka's behavior towards him, it never really mattered but he knew that the way that she treated him, meant everything except love or attraction towards him, the culmination point to this was that day the both kissed, apparently It was the first kiss the two pilots had, he didn't moved because of the surprise this caused to him, but that silence was broken by his roommate and friend.

--You are GROSS! THAT WAS THE WORST KISS IVE EVER HAD! WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING BAKA!

He just tried to apologize to her

--Asuka, please, I'm sorry for that, please, stop, it wasn't my intention...

--YOU THINK THAT IS SUFFICIENT? THAT WAS MY FIRST KISS AND YOU COMPLETELY RUINED IT! AND YOU THINK THAT IS ENOUGH? I SHOULDN'T HAVE KISSED A USELLESS BOY LIKE YOU, YOU ARE GROSS!

She said as he pushed him to the floor.

--Asuka please stop, I already said I'm sorry what else do you want?

He just heard more yelling and insults from her friend, who wasn't unaware of the rage and sadness she was causing on him, he wanted to jump and grab her throat, he wanted to punch her, he wanted to insult her, but he just couldn't, because he deeply loved her, and apparently she didn't cared about that. After another batch of insults, she just leaved him on the floor and made her way to her room, he took his time to get up, he couldn't make anything, or feel anything in the moment, just a big sadness, and a void inside of him, that small hope of her feeling the same as him had been extinguished in those five minutes that the kiss took, he just went to his room and looked to that familiar ceiling, not even want to listen to his cassette.

He didn't talked to Asuka the next days, he didn't knew what she felt and he didn't wanted to, they just kept their normal routines as usual, to Shinji, it was clear that Asuka hated him, and to Asuka, it had became clear that there was going to be no person that could lover her or would like to, she had ruined the only chance she had to tell Shinji what she felt, the day they kissed she wanted to say so many things, he originally wanted to make him feel better on his mom's death anniversary, but she ended making him to feel worse, ironic that she wanted to say the exact opposite thing she said to him that day, he wanted to tell him that he was loved, she wanted to confess to him, because she was aware of what he felt for her, and she felt the same, she wanted to make him happy and make her happy, he wanted them to feel love, but she just ended crushing him more than she would like to, she ended doing the exact opposite thing and she know that it was her fault, her arrogance and ego wouldn't allow her to say that to him, she knew that she felt that that first kiss was the best of her life, and that she loved him, and what did she did?, she just made him to feel more useless, unloved and sad, she teared him down to pieces without wanting to, and now, he wouldn't talk to her, he just made her breakfast, her bento, and dinner before going to school earlier than her or going to his room to keep himself there, always keeping his distance, and this was killing her, she tried talking to him, touching him, trying to make him feel better, but nothing worked, and this became too much, before deciding if leaving or not, she made one last try, she went to his room to talk to him, standing by the door.