"Your time starts... Now."
Finally, I took my first step. I could see some people around me smiling, laughing, and crying altogether. Then I looked down. My feet were small, and I could feel that anytime from now, I will fall. But then, my bones became weak and I outbalanced. Uh-oh.
Ahhh!!!
"Are you okay?" I opened my eyes and saw my teacher in kindergarten. Looking around, I saw my classmates wearing their backpacks, ready to go. I looked at my hands and there were stamps of turtles, stars, and even the heart ones. I smiled and looked up to my teacher. But she was gone.
I saw my mother, crying in front of me.
"Didn't I tell you to stay away from those people and continue your work in this house?!" My dad shouted as he broke a vase, and fragments of it had hit my mom's body.
I looked up to my mom and realized that she was shielding me. My dad shouted once more and broke another vase, so I closed my eyes and waited. Hoping that I would still see my mother, I slowly opened my eyes. But she was gone.
She was replaced by my bully classmate in elementary.
She pulled my hair, causing me to fall out of my chair. It hurts. Looking around, I saw my classmates laughing and taking pictures of me. I looked down at my shaking hands and saw cuts and bruises. I sniffed and looked up to the girl. But she was gone.
I saw my ex-boyfriend, and he was upset.
"Didn't I tell you to bring your own umbrella?! Crap! My uniform is now wet! How dumb of you!" We we're walking to his car and we couldn't fit in the umbrella that I bought. We reached his car and he didn't open the door for me.
He quickly went to the driver's seat bringing the umbrella with him, so I covered my head and ran to get inside.
"Klare naman!" He continued to scold me as he got the towel from the back seat. He used it first to wipe himself, before handing it to me.
I flinched as he raised his hand, and I heard him scoffed. I looked at him and he looked very annoyed.
"What? Did you think that I would hurt you?" I remained silent. Because I couldn't speak. I didn't speak.
He let out a sigh and turned on the air conditioner. "Tignan mo, galit na naman ako dahil sa'yo. Sa susunod kasi, magkusa ka na. Kailangan mo pang pagsabihan bago ka kumilos, eh."
I was cold. Shaking from the coldness and from the fear that I was feeling, I closed my eyes. Hoping that this would end. I opened my eyes, and the inside of the car was replaced by an office.
I saw my therapist.
"Can you tell me your nightmare last night?"
I wanted to answer. I badly wanted it. But I couldn't speak. I didn't speak.
Then it went black. I felt like I was floating.
Or perhaps, I was drowning.
I opened my eyes and under the water, the sun shun a man's silhouette, reaching his hands to me, reaching to save me. As he went closer, all of the memories, good and bad memories, came to me like a rushing train.
"You looked like you were ditched."
I looked up to the man who shamelessly sat in front of me.
There he was. Alive and kicking. Smiling like he didn't go through all of that.
Being here in this coffee shop brought back many memories, emotions, and past that we've encountered yesterday. Seeing him brought back many questions, and at the same time, answers.
I badly wanted to answer him. Tease him like the good old days. Counter all his jokes, and just laugh with him until the sun goes off. But I couldn't speak. I didn't speak.
"Just let out your anger!"
We laughed as we shouted everything. Those buildings, those rooftops, and those stars witnessed how we enjoyed each other's company. We cherished every bit of it. Until we couldn't.
"He stayed in a hospice."
I walked into a room and saw a body covered with white sheet. I felt all that emotions again. My heart felt so much pain that it became numb.
I wanted to speak, but couldn't.
I wanted to cry, but I was so tired to even produce tears.
I wanted to wake him up, but I knew that it wouldn't happen.
I wanted to just be with him, and here I am...
Staring at the white ceiling.
I lived. I lived more than he did. I lived more than he could.
Thirty years living without him is like staying in a prison for a lifetime sentence. But at least, I tried.
All those memories and hardships I faced alone, with him, and alone without him, will be buried as I sleep and rest from this world.
I was happy. But I didn't know that this universe would be so cruel to me, to us. I guess, we're just the unlucky ones.
So, this is the feeling when I die?
"Time's up!"
