Crown Prince and Ghost King

Chapter 51

At least partly.

It was slowly becoming too much for him to handle. What use had his bottomless reserve of power against the struggles of the mind? Hua Cheng spent so many years collecting more and more spiritual energy, piling it up without rest, but he forgot to do something much more important. He forgot to take care of himself, of his own issues, of his problematic emotions.

He had been so fixated in finding Xie Lian, helping Xie Lian, saving Xie Lian, that he stopped caring about himself.

Not that he regretted it. If he did, he was better off dissipated, after all.

But now... now doubts and uncertainty were chipping away at his resolution, at the carefully crafted image he showed the world. Deep down, under all those layers he built up to defend himself from ghosts, mortals, and gods alike, Hua Cheng was still that insecure, broken young man he used to be as a human.

For years, decades, he always thought that his misfortune came from fate, that the Star of Solitude was just that, an omen and a name. It helped to think that the fact his luck came around, turning one of the unluckiest people of that earth in someone who had entirely too much blessings, but... apparently it wasn't entirely as Hua Cheng believed it to be.

And now, he learned that the source of his grievances could also be found in Bai WuXiang, though indirectly.

For years, Hua Cheng never believed that damned ghost to have been a problem for him specifically, though what he did to Xie Lian was agonizing. Everything he knew, Mei NianQing toppled with no hesitation. It was difficult to accept he had been tormented as well, without realizing it.

For someone who sought power and control, learning such a thing was terrifying.

«I'm sorry», he apologized to Xie Lian, voice low and unsteady. «This lowly husband is neglecting you».

Because, really, what was he doing if not that?

Xie Lian shook his head with a sigh and bent down to kiss his husband on the forehead: «San Lang, your struggles aren't less important than mine», he said, making sure to spell out every word slowly and carefully. «We both need to heal, we've always known that, but I was already aware of the reason behind my grief. You didn't know the full story, however, and it's difficult to process».

«It's so stupid».

«If it makes you feel bad, it's not stupid», the god replied, firm but gentle. «You've always believed Bai WuXiang to be someone to hate because of what he did to me – there was no denying that, and Xie Lian wasn't going to change what he knew – but now you've learned he was part of the reason why your life was the way it was».

"Stupid" wasn't what he was going to describe what his husband was feeling.

«Talk to me».

And Hua Cheng did.

He talked so much the night went away and his voice became hoarse and tired. They weren't new things, it was nothing Xie Lian didn't already know, but the ghost had a new level of awareness for everything, now. He talked about his childhood, the struggles of finding food every day, the quarrels with his brothers, the loveless touches and words of his mother. He talked of the day he fell during the parade, of how he wanted it to end, but then was so enraptured by Xie Lian's gentle and dazzling beauty he didn't jump anymore, merely slipped.

He talked of the time spent moving from temple to temple, leaving white flowers behind, flowers that gave him just a tad bit of hope. He talked of the day Xie Lian appeared to him, told him to keep on living, to make the god the reason of his life, a fond smile creeping up on melancholic lips.