Checkpoint

Trembling.

Fast-heartbeat.

Anxiety.

All those above, experiences that I miss.

Today, I am on a bus bound for the city. Before I was able to sit on this chair, I witnessed the beauty of a stranger. Currently, she is sitting next to the bus driver. The bus conductor made her sit there as there were no more seats available. She needs to wait until we get to the station so the bus gets to unload passengers.

Lucky!

The passenger sitting on the seat in front of me got off. It was vacant and near so this gal I am speaking of went and sat. Her hair is bright and straight. I noticed that she is quite skinny. I gaze upon the reflection of her hands as she eats her McDonald's burger. They were too small compared to mine. I noticed that her nails were cut too short. An uncomfortable sight for me, but no one is perfect as they say.

Today is the first day that I am a regular employee. I am feeling a great amount of confidence! I think I can finally focus on finding a partner after a series of failed flings.

Before I explain what I am about to do, let me first tell you that when I was a child, I learned about this power of mine. I can set one specific checkpoint in time where I can go back again and again, so long as I have not set another checkpoint yet. However, in order to reach the very same situation I wish to happen, I must live and behave exactly the same way all the things I did before the one scenario I wish to change. That is why it is imperative for me to identify critical forks in my decision-making so as to set the checkpoint properly. Otherwise, I risk myself sacrificing already attained successes.

Five kilometers before I get to reach my destination, I set the checkpoint. For the first attempt, I poked on her shoulder to get her attention. She is ignoring me. I leaned and said, "Hello! You are taking your board exams this week?". She leaned forward, as if not hearing me. I might have made her feel that I am some creep of a man.

Second attempt, I tried getting creative. I wrote in my notebook, 'I need some answers for my math homework. What's your number?'. We were both sitting on the seats by the window. I slid the notebook into the space and made her see what was written. I saw her smirk through the reflection. I thought she would grab the notebook to write but instead, she held my hand supporting the notebook, making sure it was steady, as she wrote her number.

I had a fast heartbeat. Something I thought I would not again experience. My power made me a really calm person as I can correct everything. I never go late. I never fail the exams. I never get a bad product from a persuasive seller.

I felt heaven for a short time as our hands touched. I wonder if this feeling can be replicated if ever I go back in time. Many say it cannot. That is why most people are sentimental about their "first time".

She released my hand and I now have the chance to see the notebook. I am quite worried that asking for a number is too "old age". And she might not respond to texts as our generation do not normally rely on load. We usually communicate using the internet. Should I load her then? But she might think that I am acting too boastful thinking she cannot fund her own. Or maybe she is not the strong independent woman depicted by feminists as she accepted the seat from the bus conductor? But she is travelling alone so she must be! On another nore, will I be able to find one of her social media using her number? Overthinking!

In a short span of time, my mind grew tired thinking. So I simply took a peek on the notebook. My eyes came teary. Am like that teary emoji.

Her handwriting said, "sorry, board exam first!"

All the scenarios I pictured, and it simply came to this. Something, I cannot change even if I go back in time. All I can do is root for her. But, real-talk, she is not interested. How would I know if she passed her exams if she did not leave anything for me to contact her?