Author: 2AceSpades
Title:
In the blurb, you tell us that lies breaks the bond made by Cyril and Neith. This simple phrase link your title to your story and that is good.
Cover:
Though I prefer covers with people or silhouettes on it, I can say I still accept yours. Just because you made the title bold enough. It is the title that will cause a reader to say what if and then go to the blurb.
Blurb:
For your blurb, you gave me everything I needed. The description and your writing style is so beautiful and it urge me to go directly into the story.
Okay. Starting a story from misfortune or tragedy is an important thing if you want to make your reader addicted to it. Yes, in this case the girl was alive but the mere thought of something bad happening at the beginning, it makes us wants to know what, why, how the events happened. From your writing, we can see, feel the kindness of Cyril and it warms the heart. In the first chapter we are introduced to many characters; mariasha, neith's father, bradly, Brian, Ethan, Sylvia, and Neith herself. Bombarding the reader with so many characters from the beginning is too much. Instead introduce us to them after each chapter. Having so many characters makes us loss track of it. Plus, when you bring in one character, you don't introduce them to us. Like tell us what, who they are to out portagonist. You just give us a name and leave it up to us to bear with it.
In chapter 3, Neith and Cyril meet. But due to the length of some paragraphs, we can't really feel what we are reading. We get loss in the lines. Review it and break it off for us. In the next chapter, you give us a glimpse of Cyril's life and his interaction with his family. And them you give us again a little hit of tragedy when he meets Neith all sad and in tears. Ending the chapter on a note of him deciding to staying by her side to show her he's there, for ended the chater with suspenses making the reader obligée to move to the next chapter to know what happened for the girl to be like that.
Please I will once again emphasize on how long your paragraphs are. Understand that too long paragraphs makes the reader lazy to continue to read and they will prefer to drop the story. You can break those into five, six paragraphs it's not a problem because shorter paragraphs is more appealing to read. That aside, I think it's as from chapter five that we can really feel the story. All the emotions we have been expecting comes from there. We feel hate from the idiotic and abusive nature of Brian, love from how kind Cyril is, pity for what Neith is enduring. I think it's the turning point in the story. The following chapters are good, well written and filled with this same emotions. Though they are still with lengthy paragraphs, I think they are good.
