…
[KULANI]
I am struggling to put a halt to these tears and that conversation with Larona continues to echo in my head. I receive a text from Mabontle, telling me that we’re being called to a family meeting. It’s too early for this and I am not in the mood. I go wash my face, change into an appropriate dress and cover my head with a silk wrap.
I make sure to sit far from Uncle Sol because I know I make him uncomfortable. I wonder how Aunt Fanisa’s recovery is going. Kurhula pulled a number on her with that mob. She probably thinks I had a hand in it, wherever she is.
‘Did you find him?’ I whisper to Fikani because I asked him to look for his brother. The sigh he lets out makes me lose hope. The others around this table are loudly catching up while we wait for Uncle Wiseman and Uncle Albert. They’re apparently the ones who called this meeting but they’re late.
‘He left the car at the Engen garage. His phone as well. I have no idea where he is but I’m gonna find him, don’t worry’
They arrive and greet. Fikani gives them the permission to lead the conversation. Their relationship is cute. They’re always together, like best friends.
‘Thank you Mlambya’ Uncle Albert starts. ‘I have bad news’
We all raise our ears. Fikani glances at me with worry plastered all over his face. I start praying internally that this isn’t about Kurhula. I’d know if something terrible happened to him, right?
‘The security at the royal cemetery called this morning and informed that Edward’s tombstone has been vandalized beyond recognition. Both the gate at the front and back were found to be intact this morning when they clocked in so the person either had a key, or they jumped the fence’
‘This has Kurhula written all over it’ Uncle Sol states without stuttering.
Wiseman purses his lips in annoyance.
‘What exactly do you have against that boy?’ he asks.
‘Tell me I am lying’
‘I asked why you hate that child so much? We both know you’ve never liked him ever since he was born’
‘Okay then. Let’s go check if the key is in the house. Where is he now?’
They continue to argue and Fikani orders them to cut it out. They both go silent after this.
‘But I am still saying that the key should be checked. That shouldn’t be difficult’ Sol manages to sneak this in. He can’t even see that Fikani is getting exasperated by him since he’s blind. Mabontle’s hand holds mine under the table and I feel my heart sink. The tears better not drop. I tighten my hold as well. I can’t hold it together any longer. I ask to be excused and I leave. I need to sleep. Sleep is always the solution when I am feeling like this.
…
By the time I wake up, I hear the shower running. The faucet is operating at its highest. I wait for him to finish up so we can talk. We can’t run away from this, it needs to be addressed. He takes a while in there and I continue waiting. He eventually comes out, stark naked.
‘Hey baby’ he greets and squeezes the lotion onto his palm.
‘Hi love’
He’s still not willing to talk. I get up and go hug him from behind. He stops and looks ahead.
‘I need to get to the office’
Is he dismissing me?
‘We have to talk about this at some point’
‘At some point, not now’
I continue holding onto him.
‘Was it therapeutic?’ I ask.
‘What was?’
‘Destroying his resting place’
He removes my hands from him with his elbows.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’
‘I want to be there for you. Please allow me to support you in this?’
‘Support me? First you, you attempt to force me into forgiving him. Now you accusing me of things. Is that what support means in your dictionary?’
‘I was worried about you…’
‘There was no need. I’m an adult with a full set of teeth, an ID and two traffic fines to my name’
‘You don’t have to behave this way. I am not the enemy here. I am not doing this to hurt you. By forgiving your father, you would be doing it for yours and Akani’s sake. Edward is gone. You’re the one who’s left with—‘
I feel a tight grip around my neck and I struggle to process what just happened. The lotion in his hand makes me feel like I’m sliding down in his hold. He lets me go and I try to massage away the pain. Did Kurhula just strangle me? I look him in the eye and I see nothing but pain. His lip stops trembling and he walks back to the bathroom. I sit against the bed and hug my knees. What the hell just happened here? I am tired of crying but I am done trying to stop myself. Did Kurhula just strangle me? Am I officially a statistic? The tears are going straight into my mouth and I keep tasting the saltiness of it all; of this whole situation I am faced with. I keep swallowing and the pain won’t let me do it with ease. He comes having wrapped a towel around his waist and gently pulls me up. Did Kurhula really just strangle me?
‘Mbilu ya Kurhula… I am so, so sorry baby’
I don’t know what to say to him.
‘I did not mean to…’ he pulls in some air and immediately expels it. I am just here, with my hands hanging on my sides. I feel like my whole world has just come undone. He’s just brought all the memories back. The memories from when Fikani abducted me, when he assaulted me. What do these men see when they see me? A punching bag?
My brain keeps glitching. I am trying to think but the only think being processed is this throbbing pain on my neck. I miss my dad.
‘Baby please forgive me. Say something, I am begging you’
What does he want me to say? Not so long ago, I was telling him that he’s the best thing that has ever happened to me even though I got married to him against my will. Then he comes and does this?
I am angry. I am confused. I am tired.
But the crazy thing is that it feels as though all these emotions are trapped inside a tight ball full of jelly; like I don’t have access to them. I want to scream at him. I want to tell him how much pain he’s inflicting on me, but I do not have the vocabulary for that.
I feel lost. I feel unloved. I feel used.
He puts his forehead against mine and forces me to see the sincerity in his eyes.
No, I have had enough. I think I’ve reached my breaking point…
CHAPTER 19
Depuis le début
