The Deal

Chapter Six

But this with Rafe will be different. It won't be a hookup it'll be ongoing. How am I supposed to do anything even relatively intimate with him when I hate him so fucking much? How can he fathom doing anything with me when he hates pogues so much? I can't make my brain understand how this will go. I know it will be painfully humiliating and awkward to say the absolute fucking least..I'm scared

Getting his high of fulfillment of hurting me, humiliating me is worth it to him. It won't be awkward for him, I doubt he's ever felt awkward or uncomfortable in his life. He's too empowered and knows he's above everyone else. This is pure entertainment for him.

I tug my Converse on knowing I need to go talk to JJ before I talk myself out of telling him at all. He'll be angry but he has to know. I can't keep it from him. I'll just dilute the truth a little, it's not lying.

The air is cold against my cheeks as I walk, wishing I was scared of running into Rafe still. If I was that would mean this whole thing didn't happen. An odd pain in my upper thigh has made itself present, feeling like a bruise except there's no mark and I don't remember hitting it on anything.I can feel it as I walk.
I don't want him to be angry with me but he will be no matter what I say. I can't beat enough around the truth to prevent it, not unless I lie and I won't lie to my best friend.
I'll tell him about the drugs just not that I used almost all of it..it was only for money to help my mom cover bills.

I wouldn't tell him who if I didn't have to but he'll want to know and there's no one else I can say. It would be worse to make someone up as if it's a total stranger, he'd never let me do that. He hates Rafe as he should. He's done his fair share of harassing pogues enough to anger JJ, including stabbing the gas tank of his bike. He only didn't go after him because of Sarah.

If I convince him enough that I'm okay with it, he won't go after him. As much as he'll want to, he'll respect my wishes. I can only hope I can lie well enough.
The only real lie I'll be telling him is that I'm okay..with this deal..

"JJ" I call when I see him, pulling boards of plywood off the side of the house. He furrows his brows at me before wiping his hand off on his shorts and walking towards me. "You're up early" he tells me, pulling me into a hug and I wrap my arms around him burying my face in his chest. He's warm and always smells like mint when he doesn't stink like weed. I can't hate though, I smoke it as much as he does..or I used to, I kind of stopped when I started....the other stuff.
My eyes sting the second I'm In his arms but I blink any forming tears away. I should have known I'd lose it the moment I saw him. I want to tell him everything, every piece of it without sugar coating or twisting anything. But I can't..I feel him kiss the top of my head before he pulls away a bit, keeping his hands at my waist.

"Why are you pulling those off?" I ask and he drops his hands before moving back over to the side of the house and I follow behind him. "They're rotted" he tells me, kicking at the piece on the ground before shaking his head. "I need to get new pieces to cover this up, my dads already been on me about it" he adds, motioning his head to the side of the house where the original wood rot has caused part of the wall to collapse. I frown feeling bad for him, it's not his responsibility to fix it, it's his fathers but thinking he'd take responsibility for anything would be more than a stretch.

"Where will you get those?" I ask, trying to prolong having to tell him. "I'll snag em from somewhere.." he trains on, pressing his lips together as he stairs down at the rotten boards. "Just don't know where yet"
"Maybe I could help you!" I blurt way too quickly, my mind jumping to reason not to tell him before I even realize it..
His eyes come to mine, slightly narrowed before he furrows his brows at me.
"What's wrong?" He asks and my stomach drops. Of course he'd know when something is wrong, he usually does. Although I have become quite good at hiding when something is and finishing things to cover it with..blurting shit out is not once of those things.
"What's makes you ask that?" I twist my fingers together.
"You'd never offer to help me steal plywood.."