Once Upon A Time Or Whatever They Say

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findthestars_ happy birthday legend 🎉
I've been going through terrible art and writers block but I managed to fix up this old fic for u I hope it's ok. I didn't have much source material to work with to know how to continue it

"And so please, your majesty, I beg of you. If thou doth hath it in thine hart, donate but a small portion of thine welf to your fellow man in the countryside. My small town of Bethesda is going hungry. The saturation from the ne'er ending floods and the tramp'ling hooves of the ovine hath worn down our crops to the extent that I fear we shall have not enough for us all to get through the winter. I come to you with this news with a hart heavy with desperation. My grandmother is so frail in her old age of 42 I fear a gust of wynd may knock her over, and my sister, bless her lovely hart, cannot walk. I alone must tend to our failing fields, so again: I implore you. I beg of you. Please share but a shilling of your welf and you shall be repayed tenfold wif the respect of your humble subjects."

"Hmm..." The nondescript English king tapped his chin, as though deep in thought. "No, I don't think so."

Lady Carla's face fell.

"Tell me, peasant, do you not see how I, too, am struggling?" He made a sweeping motion with his arms, gesturing to the literal piles of gold around him. "Why, this morning the servants could only find enough to reach mine chest! Dost thou want your king to be destitute?"

"I-"

"I think not. My deepest apologies, Lady Catherine, but there is simply nothing I can do. Guards! Send her away, please. My eyes grow weary from such tattered and unsightly clothing."

A handful of bored looking guards took Lady Carla by the arm and began leading her back out the castle gates.

"Cunt." She mumbled under her breath.

The king yawned. "Well, I belief I have seen quiet enough of the peasantry for one day. Fool!"

Jester poked his head out from around a door. "Yeah, baws?"

"Come hither." He raised a weary hand to his forehead. "I'm afraid I are in dire straights after hear'ing the woes of so many. Why, I set a thousand curses upon the crone who bewitched me on the hour of mine birth to have feelings of emp'thy so strong they eclipse mine own. Please, fool. We must cleanse our pallet of such misery before it consumes me."

The man shrugged. "K, whatever you say, you're da boss."

Unfortunately for the poor, overwhelmed monarch, his Jester hardly got to start his neverending 'kerchief routine when a young page entered the throne room.

"My liege." He said, in his quiet, squeaky voice.

The man threw his head back with an irritable groan, while Jester simply held onto his rope of hankerchiefs awkwardly. The boy swayed on his feet, looking worried.

"I- I apologise, Your-"

"Speak up, boy!" The king boomed, before turning to Jester with a 'can you believe the staff here' look. Jester simply glanced away awkwardly in a way that made the king, for some curious reason, think to a description of an animal from far away kingdoms. One that resembled a man, in the loosest definition of the word. He shook his head to rid himself of such a strange thought.

"I-" The page cleared his throat. "I come baring a message."

"Could thoust message not wait but five minutes, mine page? The fool was just getting to the good bit."

"It is quite important, Your Majesty." The boy implored.

With another long-suffering sigh, the king held his head and waved his hand nonchalantly. "Go on then."

With a tiny clear of his throat, the boy unraveled his scroll in front of him. "'Dearest King Joseph Blogert III. I write to you on this lovely day from the comfort of mine hom-'"

"Get to the point, page!"

"O-of course! Ahem. 'In accordance with my last letter-'" This time, it was the kings turn to glance away with an oddly primate-esc look in his eye. "-I hath invited noblemen from a far easternly land to visit and discuss international trading this coming Monday.'"

The king sat up in his chair. "We art expecting guests?"

"Yes, Your Majesty."

The king wrinkled his nose. "Foreign guests?"

"Y-yes, Your Majesty...?"

"Hmm." He stroked his beard. "Pray tell, page. What land do you speak of?"

"The Land of The Rising Sun."

"What?"

"Japan."

"Aaah." He said. "I tried their delicacies once. 'Rice...balls?' I believe they claimed? Most exotic. Though I warn you, young one! If you should ever be oth'red the forbidden fruit, know that it haf spices to the brim that are powerful enough to fell the strongest wrym."

"Aint it just rice, boss?"

"Be silent, fool! Now. Page, tellest thou master I shall prepare the castle. Thou must also make sure to tellest him, however, that we do not appreciate this news so short notice and that he shall hear more from us on this subject on the eve of our next chess night. The wyfe will go mad wen she heareth this. Hell doth not compare to the wrath of a woman. Tell us, fool, art I right?" He chuckled.

Jester shrugged. "I guess?" Not like he knew anything about women. The king dismissed the page and Jester went to getting his balls out.

"One moment, fool!"

"Hmm?" Jester tilted his head. "Whatsamatta, boss? You prefer I juggle wit' da candles again?"

"No no, that is not necessary." The bearded man grimaced at the memory. "I wish to speak with thou in light of this news."

"Shore. Whatsup?"

The king leant forward with his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands under his chin. "These..." He frowned as though the word itself was bitter. "Foreigners...art highly coveted trade partners. If I art to not appear like thouself amongst the other monarchs, it is of utmost importance this visit play out favourably."

"Uh huh."

"Wich means there shall be no funny business allowed on thou's part." He narrowed his eyes.

Unable to resist the joke, Jester fired back. "But that's my job."

"Silence! Thou knowest what we meant! Thou art most fortunate the royal court decided fit to keep your head after the last time."

"Last time?" Jester tilted his head, making the king roll his eyes in annoyance.

"Desist. Thou knows thou art not the fool your title proclaims, and the dedication to the performance is not appreciated. Thou doth remembers the incident wif the ambassador from our northern ney'bours?"

"Oh yeaaah." Jester said, eyes widening in mock remembrance. Unable to help himself he started to laugh. When he spotted the king glaring at him, he extended his arms in an affronted gesture. "What?! He was askin' for it!"

"Thou art asking for thine head on a pike wif this behaviour."

"Yeesh."

The king shook his head. "When the ambassadors arrive the following week we expect you to act as though the lord himself were within these walls. Be polite and please-" The man pinched the bridge of his nose. "Keep the tomfoolery contained to thoust act."

"Alright, alright." Jester rolled his eyes. "Hey, speakin'a which- you got any requests?"

"Coulst thou perform the song abow't the baron plagued by his detestable wyfe again?"

"I mean, I guess."