The Dirt (Your Version)

Chapter 17- Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

Trigger Warning- suicidal thoughts and MAJOR self-harm. Please do not read if this triggers you. Take care of yourselves xx

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Time went by in a blur. Months. Years. It all blurred together.

Nikki and Tommy, even Mick had tried to contact you. They came to your house, but you never answered the door. You couldn't talk to them. You couldn't face them after what had happened.

Mötley Crüe was finished... and it was because of you.

Then you saw on the news that Mötley Crüe had come out with a new album with John Corabi as their new lead singer.

It was bittersweet.

On one hand, you were happy for the guys and relieved that Mötley Crüe could still live on. But at the same time, it upset you.

There was no Mötley Crüe without Vince Neil. Sure, they were still recording music and now apparently going on tour, but it wasn't the same. Maybe you were bias, but Vince was the voice of Mötley Crüe. They couldn't replace the frontman of the band and expect it to be the same.

You never tried to get in contact with the band. It hurt. You still loved them all dearly, but they didn't need you as a backup singer, and you didn't want to do it without your brother there. It wouldn't be right, and the guys wouldn't want you there anyway.

This whole mess was your fault to begin with.

So, you isolated yourself. From Nikki, from Tommy, from Mick, from everyone. You rarely left the house. What was the point? What would you even do? You had nobody left.

Growing up you had no one except for Vince. Your entire childhood was nothing but a blur of shitty memories and an even shittier father who never wanted you in the first place. Your own mother had abandoned you as a baby. And now Vince didn't want anything to do with you either.

There was a common denominator in those situations... it was you.

You had nothing before Mötley Crüe. You were a waitress at a diner getting paid minimum wage and living in the back of your truck. You could barely afford food let alone anything else. Until Mötley Crüe happened.

The band changed your life. It gave you friends. It gave you a new family. A family that loved you and cared about you more than your own flesh and blood ever did. It gave you a purpose. It gave you a reason to get out of bed in the mornings. Mötley Crüe was more than just a band, it was a family, and it was your life. It was everything.

And now it was gone.

It was all gone.

So, what was the point of anything anymore?

Being alone this long with nothing but your thoughts was dangerous. Without the band, without the guys, without coming up with new songs or going on tour... you've had a lot of time to just think. And it wasn't good.

The car crash back in '84 still haunted you. The sound of metal on metal when the vehicles collided... the smell of burnt rubber and smoke... the broken pleading voice of your brother, 'Raz, wake up. Wake up, man. Raz, wake up.' and seeing Razzle's dead body in Vince's lap still kept you up at night.

Having all this free time to be alone with your thoughts had those memories and feelings rising to the surface along with something else that you had tried these last few years to forget... the miscarriage.

The pain of losing a baby was something you were not expecting. Hell, you didn't even want a child anyway, but the pain hit you harder than you ever thought possible. So, you shoved those feelings into a steel box, locked it and threw away the key. But now, that key had resurfaced, and you couldn't stop thinking about it.