My first love wasn't even my boyfriend at the time.
Most people's first loves come with first kisses, first relationships, and first hugs.
But for me,
it was different.
He was my first serious crush,
the first time I really liked someone and felt like they liked me back.
But nothing more happened;
and we eventually had to go our separate ways.
I remember how we'd use to look at each other with loving eyes across the canteen with wide-eyed smiles.
We'd playfully chase each other in the hallways just for fun.
He'd ask me to slap him, then run away,
wanting me to catch him.
Little did I know,
he secretly liked me too.
He'd look at me when I wasn't looking,
tease me by calling me a "stalker" to annoy the fuck out of me just because I coincidentally appeared at the same place he was at,
pat my head in a joking way,
and whined playfully when I pretended to ignore him just because I wanted to see his reaction.
These were all signs I didn't notice.
Even though my first love didn't lead to a relationship, a kiss, or a hug
– things I really wanted with him – he was the first person who made me feel love and happiness
in a special way
for the past five years that we have not spoken since we graduated.
I've never felt butterflies with anyone else after him.
When my eyes meet with any other guy in a crowded room,
it didn't feel special,
unlike when he looked at me.
With him, it felt like we were the
only people in the room.
I compared every guy to him;
he's the one I want to be with,
whether it's five or ten years,
for as long as I live,
or a chance with him at least until before I die.
So,
my first love wasn't even my boyfriend, but for every single day over the past five years,
I wished that he was because he meant everything
to me.
