Pensées intérieures, Inner thoughts

Will it get better ?

Once again it's happening.
Once again everything's falling.
It can be my mood, my will to live.
I just know that everything is near to zero.
And I suddenly feel so fucking stupid.
'Cause what am I complaining for ?

I have my mom. She's here. Yes, sometimes she fails, but doesn't everyone ?
2 AM, I started crying, thinking hard that I won't make it to 19 years old.
And then I just get a good night text from her and I feel horrible, rotten to the core.
How dare I feel this way ? She thinks I'm all good and I think about ending it all ?

What an ungrateful child.

And then I think of how lonely I feel. But I don't want to text others. I take too much space already.
So I just keep silent, wishing that, indeed, someone will reach out to me.

What an indecisive child.

I want to die. But I don't. I just want to be found. I want help. But I don't. Why should I talk ?
Others have it worse, I can do it. I can go through it. I can do this, can't I ? Fuck.

What a weak child.

I know I can't. Look at this. Look at me.
I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do, nor be.
I can't continue, waking up over and over again, feeling empty.
I can't keep trying, not when everything, again, feels so depressing.

What a dissapointing child.

And I swear I'm trying, the best I can, I'm giving my everything,
But I look around and it's just grey, giving me the ick.
I don't want to be here, I think too much, and worry and cry and guilt over.
But I'll keep being around here, still, just for her.

What a waste of words.