Her Melting Point

Halmos Ever After

"Right," she mumbled. "And yes, of course, take your time. We don't have to talk about it immediately." She stopped herself from saying 'or ever.' An urge to put some distance between their bodies made her rise and take a small step back. "I'm going to hop in the shower, OK?"

He nodded again, without looking at her.

***

While she rubbed herself with a washcloth, Jackie was trying to understand what it was that was bothering her so much.

Had she been hoping that he'd offer to whisk up a baby with her right away? That he'd propose and offer her to form a picture perfect, nuclear, conjugal, cereal-packet family? Or that he wouldn't want her to 'carry someone else's child;' which was obviously an absurd notion in itself, but also had just gained an additional layer of meaning with his admission?

Jackie reminded herself that if that was how much internalised chauvinism governed her thoughts; she was clearly with the wrong man. She should've stayed with Gabe who'd been blathering about 'healthy sons being a woman's best gift to a man' for years, while gaslighting her into postponing having a baby at the pretence of giving her a chance to build her career.

Jackie leaned her back against the wall and sniffled.

A knock to the door made her jolt.

"Come in!" she called and quickly stuck her head under the running water, hoping to hide the tear streaks on her face.

She could see his silhouette through the fogged shower cubicle's glass.

"May I?"

"Yeah, sure."

Once he stepped in, she moved closer and pressed her face into his chest.

"Jackie, is everything alright?"

She exhaled a shuddered breath. "I'm– I don't know why I'm upset. Ignore me, I'm just being a crybaby," she mumbled apologetically.

He gently embraced her.

"I can't tell that you're upset. Thank you for telling me." She'd learnt by now that this flat, robotic politeness of his meant he was internally panicking. "What are you upset about?" he asked. "What can I do differently?"

"I'm not upset with you!" Jackie squeezed him around his middle. "I guess it's just an emotional matter, and– I swear, you don't have to do anything!"

They stood for a few moments, and then he rumbled something low and distressed under his breath.

"What?"

"Sodding Bassey properly got into my head," Alexander growled. "This is one of the 'concessions' he was talking about, innit?"

"No, no, it's not! There's nothing you–" Jackie groaned and thumped her forehead to his solar plexus. "There's nothing wrong with your thinking! And with how you approach this question. It's... me. I'm the one who needs to fix my noggin."

"What–" He gritted a swearing through his teeth. "What does this mean?"

Jackie shook her head without lifting her head. He shifted away, cupped her face, and lifted it, making her look at him.

She'd expected an aloof expression. Instead, an anxious grimace twisted his features.

"Jackie?"

If he was willing to open up, it was time to woman up and pull her weight. She clenched her fists and gathered lungfuls of the warm humid air.

"I'm confused, Alexander," she pushed the words out, her throat constricted. "I still want it for myself. But being with you– It's different now. And maybe it's that complicated for other couples as well, I don't know. And there's still a chance that Gabe will try to arse up my career. What if I get sacked? Then I will have to move again. And if there's a baby– And– And–"