The way it ends

2: im not perfect, and ill never be

⚠️This chapter contains: mentions of suicide⚠️

Wilhelm's pov

I've been sitting in an empty classroom, against the wall with tear stained cheeks, for the past 3 hours; 13 missed calls, 3 voicemails, 9 messages. Everything in my head is a mess, An absolute, complete fucking mess. Ever since my brother died, and I became crown prince, my mom has been acting so different, especially to me. It just seems like she has totally forgot who I am.. like she forgot I'm her son. I just wish she could see me for who I am, and not as who she wants me to be.
She wants me to be perfect, she needs me to be perfect.. but I'm not, and I'll never will be.

It's like there's a massive cloud in my head that just started raining, and it's washing away all my thoughts. I can't think straight, I don't know how to think straight. The only thing that I can think about, is about what an absolute useless piece of shit I am. I wish I could turn back time, and redo that speech. I knew I didn't have to say all of that, even Simon told me that he was okay with us being a secret. But it just felt so- right... and deep down, I know that the only thing Simon wants, is for us to be happy, not a secret.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't 'the crown prince of Sweden, that everyone knows'. I wonder if me and Simon could be happier, and if we didn't have to go through all of that pain and suffering a few months ago.
I also wonder if my mom would accept me.. accept me for who I am.
I wonder...

⚠️tw starts here!⚠️

All my thoughts are mixed up. I don't even know what to think about anymore, I don't know if I should care anymore.. if I want to care. I don't know if I even want to be here anymore. And it sucks because I don't want to think about that, about any of those things. I don't want to have any suicidal thoughts, because I don't want to kill myself...
or do i?
It's just the thoughts. it's just the 'what if's'
The; "what if people wouldn't care if I killed
myself?" Or the; "what if I just do it?"
But I can't. Sometimes I forget that there's also people who do actually care about me.

⚠️tw ends here!⚠️

Simon's pov

Ive been running around the school with Felice for 15 minutes, wich feels like fucking hours. Before we went back to hillerska, to look for Wille for the second time, we also checked in almost all of the woods, and everywhere around the school. We both called and texted him like one million times and left voicemails, but no answer. I think the first text we sent him was around 13:15 pm and it's currently 16:57 pm. We also checked his dorm, but he wasn't there. And we're also pretty sure that his mom didn't take him home with her because then he would've answered our calls, texts and voicemails! We're fucking hopeless!
But then I remember.. we haven't checked any classrooms because there were classes, but there has to be atleast one empty classroom, right?

"Wait- Felice! Maybe he's in a classroom or some- something. There could be an e- empty one" I say, all out of breath.
"You're right! Open all doors you see, he could be anywhere!" She replies.

And so we do.

We're opening all doors we can open, even doors from rooms where we're not even allowed to be.

"Simon! I found him!" Felice shouts, all the way from across the hallway.

God we're such idiots.. why didn't we think of checking classrooms earlier?!

Wilhelm's pov

I got woken up by the door that got opened. I mean, I wasn't really asleep.. but I wasn't awake either.
I can't see clearly who's standing in the door opening, but by the voices it gets clearer, it's Felice and Simon.

"Oh my god.. what the fuck happened? Are you okay? We've been searching for you for hours!" Simon says as he runs up to me and kneels down in front of me.
"hmm" is the only thing I can respond with. My throat hurts really bad and it feels like I just got shot in the head.
He moves his head next to mine, putting his chin on my shoulder.
"You're okay, im here." He whispers in my ear, wich calms me down a bit.

My vision finally starts to get a bit clearer again, and i see Felice, who is standing in the doorway, looking at us with a soft smile on her face, wich also makes me smile a bit.

"Do you want me to carry you to your dorm?" He asks after a bit and lifts his head of my shoulder.
I smile softly and nod, then he stands up and grabs my hand, and helps me get up.

"You don't have to carry me" I try to say as we're both standing- I mean It's not that easy trying to talk atleast a bit understandable with your voice halfway gone and a sore throat.
"Are you sure?" He asks, and I nod and smile. Then we slowly walk to my dorm.