My Dearest Darling

Chapter 5

"You said it, Robert. It is my life. Mine. And I have lived a good life, a great one even. I found love and I found a home. I have seen my children grow up into these fine young women, I have seen them become mothers. I have travelled near and far with you, and I have seen so much of the world I would have never even dreamed of seeing had I stayed in America. This is my life and I want to spend whatever time I have left with all of you, here in my home. If this is it, I want to be here. This is my life."

Cora felt herself get emotional as well, raising her voice just like he had, but without the angry edge. Her voice was only filled with deep hurt. She suddenly couldn't care less about the propriety of it, or who could hear what they said. Nothing was further from her at that moment than what their servants would think of her and them if they heard their conversation out in the hall. She needed him to see her point, to realise that this was not a decision she made on a whim.

"But it is not. This is not just your life. It is our life. The one we built. Together. They are not just your daughters and your grandchildren; they are mine as well. And I am the one who will have to keep it all together when you are gone. I am the one who will have to organise the funeral, who will have to help Mary and Edith through their grief – you saw how they were when Mama died. Mary only organised that funeral because I was in a stupor, but it almost broke her. I couldn't possibly ask that of her again, and so soon. You are their mother, Cora. You are the woman who brought them into this world, who always helped them in any way she could, literally – you even dragged a lifeless, naked corpse through half the house to protect Mary and you helped Edith have her child live with us without bringing shame on her and everyone else when she was unmarried! They trust you, Cora. They will have to learn to live without you and it will be the hardest thing they will ever have to do, I know. I also know that I will be the one who will have to explain to Sybbie and George and Marigold that their Granny will never join them for tea again, that Granny will never sing them another lullaby or tell one of her enthralling stories. I will have to tell them that they will be stuck with boring old Donk - for however long I have left. They are children, Cora. Even our daughters, no matter how grown up they are. They are all our children and we have to protect them and be there for them. I don't think I can do that on my own. No, I know for a fact that I can't. This is not the type of decision you can make on your own, leaving us all in the dark. You cannot just decide something like this without telling me the facts, and certainly not without taking the two of us and our entire family into consideration! I will not let you throw your life away just like that! If you do not trust Doctor Clarkson and the other doctors enough, that's fine by me. I'll take you to America or wherever you feel more comfortable. I'll take you to any doctor you please. But you do not get to decide without me that this is it!"

He was shouting at the top of his lungs. He couldn't remember the last time he had been so angry and hurt and so desperate, tears welling up in his eyes as he thought of the unfairness of it all. He couldn't remember the last time he had so completely lost his control. And he didn't care, he couldn't. He had just lost his mother, had barely been able to grieve her, and now he was supposed to be preparing for the imminent loss of his wife. His wife, whom he loved with all his heart. His wife, who had decided that her life was over without fighting for it and had not even bothered to tell him.

He looked at her petite form on the settee and saw how she looked up at him after his outburst, all stunned, her beautiful blue eyes staring at him widely.

He also saw the tears gathering in her eyes as she looked at him, saw the deep sorrow and despair. And suddenly, it all vanished, the anger in him. He looked at her and wasn't angry any more, just overwhelmingly sad.

"They all need us, they all need you," he said, much quieter and calmer than he had been just moments before. And finally, his voice now soft and vulnerable and barely audible in the grand room, he added: "I need you."

Robert went over to the settee opposite her and sat down, leaning forward and staring at his leather boots. He felt his eyes stinging and sensed a single tear rolling down his face, but he did not bother with wiping it away. There was no one there to see and judge him. He watched it drop onto his right foot a second later and just kept staring at the wet mark it left. The tears that followed did not bother him either, his mind too far away to realise.

"I know, and I need you, too. Whatever path I choose, I cannot go it alone, not without you by my side. And I need you to understand me. I meant what I said – I would rather spend a few short months here at home with you and our family than a year in London, living in a hospital while you are all so far away. I cannot do this alone, Robert, and I cannot do it in London. But most importantly, I cannot do this without you."

She was crying, he could hear her voice quiver, heard it almost break. He realised that she needed him just as much as he needed her, especially at that moment. Her usually strong voice was but a fraction of what he had come to love hearing every morning and every night and in between. She was the one facing death, not he. All he needed to do was to make sure now that she knew that he would always be there for her, would always support her, no matter how short or long the rest of their shared life would be – and no matter how much that pained him.

Robert stood back up and took a step closer to pull her up from her seated position, all the while she tried to look away from him, not giving into his affections that easily, after his outburst just minutes earlier.

Nevertheless, he pulled her to his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around her, not wanting to ever let go of her.

The moment he pulled her close and she felt his warmth envelop her, she let go of all her inhibitions. Before, she had tried to keep her tears at bay, afraid that they would somehow affect the argument they were having – something they undoubtedly already had, judging by the way his anger seemed to dissipate when he had looked at her. She had been self-conscious when they had started talking, when his voice had begun to raise. But being in his arms, feeling his reassuring embrace while his head rested atop hers as she buried her face in his chest, she felt at home. She knew she did not have to hold anything in, not when she was with him. He truly was her home.

They stood there, clinging to each other, holding on for dear life, for what seemed like an eternity. Neither of them wanted to let go of the other, afraid that it would somehow break the silent understanding they had reached by simply holding each other.

Ultimately, it was Cora who broke the silence in the vast room. Her voice was low and the words she spoke were barely more than a whisper. She wasn't looking at him, but he didn't have to see her face to know that her tears had stopped, that she was calm and collected and that she was begging him to take her words to heart. He knew that she had thought long and hard about the words she had said earlier. He could always hear it in her voice and knew how she conveyed the emotions she did not want to show. And this time, he sensed her determination, but also her vulnerability as she pleaded with him.

"Take me to America, Robert. Not for treatment or to consult other doctors, but please take me there. I want to see my childhood home, the place where I grew up. I want to go visit my father's grave and tell him all about the wonderful and enchanted life I have led with the man that I love and the family we have built. I want to go and see my mother and Harold – I have to tell them about this in person, this is not something to be written in a letter. Take me to my homeland, Robert. Let me say a final goodbye, please."

He didn't reply. He pushed her away from him, but only a little to be able to look into her face properly.

Blue eyes stared into blue for a few seconds, and he knew what he needed to do. But first, he took her tear-stained face into his big hands and kissed her with as much love and affection as he humanly could, that single kiss telling more than any words could ever say.