Emotional rollercoaster

In July of 2018, I met a boy called James billy, he was tall,handsome and very caring. I was living with my friend at the time when I first met him, she introduced me to him and thought we would hit of as friends not lovers. I fell in love with him first time I looked at him,moving forward a few months, we started meeting up and going on these"dates" as friends..... the next thing I know we was kissing by a bridge that was over a motorway, the views were stunning. He finally asked to be his girlfriend in October 2018. Things were going really good, we got really close and I love. I know fast right. I thought he was the one but oh how I was stupidly wrong. In 2020 I ended up in hospital with a suspected brain on the bleed, luckily wasn't but ended up having a brain condition instead. Back to what I was saying, two weeks ahead I was due to come out of hospital, I called James and said I'm coming home, can we see each other. He was acting really weird and out of character for him, in October 2019 he broke up with me over test message saying everything is too much for him, he can't be with me anymore. There's one breakup with the person I thought was the one. In 2020 ,I know ur probably thinking oh here we go again. I know right, we tried to give it another go, he swore that he had his head screwed on this time and promised he wouldn't break my heart again, I'm thinking hmm why should I trust you, several months down the line, we began to argue like we hated each, like there's time where I felt like breaking down and running away because he treated me so badly. I let him do that because I was so in love with him and wanted to marry him. 2021 came along so quick, we calmed right down and started thinking about a family of our own and oh wait we began to even argue about that too. I asked him to marry me, thinking he would say yes, he did eventually after hesitation and feeling guilty about something. The end of 2021 we broke up again because of that friend I used to live with, he was in love with her too. We both dated different people as we thought we was never getting back together, oh we was so wrong. 2022 came and we got back together after I just turned 23, we promised each other if things got too hard that we would work things out like couples are meant too. In July 2022, I tried to attempt to end it all due to my health and stuff, so I went to my dads for a month. Me and James were arguing whilst I was at my dads about stuff that was absolutely ridiculous and so wrong in many ways. In July 2022, James went to France for a work trip with the guys, oh I know you guys are probably going that's fine, oh no how I was so wrong about that. You will eventually find out.