Again

12

Ben and I tried to have babies from the start of our relationship in the early 2000s. We never did anything to prevent a pregnany, since we were both ready to be parents and have a baby of our own. We never hide from our friends and family that becoming parents was our biggest dream. However, there were a lot of outside forces that were trying to break us. We tried to not let it happen, but oftentimes the stress became too much. I blamed the stress for not getting pregnant. We tried and tried, but it took a long time until it finally happened. The timing was not at its best, since our relationship was heavily in the public eye. However, we were both over the moon by the news.

"Do you remember how I told you I was pregnant?" I asked him while we were lying down in bed.
"Of course I do." He smiled while he played with my hair.
"You handed me two tests, and a little shirt saying 'I love papa' on it." I smiled. He was right, that was the way I told him the news.
"I still have the shirt. I kept it in my office, so he's always with me." I smiled. Him confessing that didn't surprise me at all. He looked deeply in my eyes. I know that he could see the emotion on my face, even when I wasn't able to put it into words. He caressed my arm and my face.
"I miss him so much, Ben."
He sighed while he still looked in my eyes.
"Me too, sweetheart. Me too."
We still felt the pain, even though it was already almost 20 years ago. Maybe it was also because we never had the time to process it together. Talking about our baby with Ben now changed things a lot. For years I had put those feelings aside, just to not think about it. But now, being with him, all those feelings came back.
"When I saw you with Sam the other day.. it kind of healed the wound for me. Partly. I saw how much joy and happiness he brings in you. And that's always what I imagined our little boy would bring out in you."
I couldn't stop crying while saying this to Ben. I also saw the tears streaming down on his face, but his first concern was to calm me down and to be there for me.
"I love you so much." He whispered. "It's not fair." He continued. "I know it's not fair.. but you have me. We have each other. We're going to get through this pain. It won't be easy, but we will."
He kept on continuing to caress my back and whisper sweet things in me ear. Feeling him nearby me was everything I needed. It was like a part of me was missing for all these years. Being in his arms again was an incredible feeling, one that was hard to put into words. I didn't have to hide my insecurities and weaknesses for him. He accepted and loved me for who I am, and not for my popularity. For weeks I was in confusion to give our love another try, but him entering in my life like this felt like he never actually left.

We arrived in Montana earlier that day. His house was beautiful, it was like we were in a romantic movie. We tried to be careful, to not be seen by any photographers.
To surprise me, Ben prepared a hot tub for me and he even made dinner. He was busy on the barbecue and even made a salad. I was pleasantly surprised and enjoyed his food.
"Thank you for taking care of me." I said when we finished eating.
He smiled while he stood up to kiss my head.
"Was it good?" He asked.
"Yes. You can do that more often if you like." I laughed.
"I will."

Being here with him without people actually noticing us was the best feeling ever. We could completely enjoy the moment, without wondering what the world would think. We had the perfect spot to reconnect with each other. Falling in love again with him was not hard. The hard part was handling the new situation we were in. Blended families, our careers, the opinion of the world.
Although, we were both sure we would find a way to make it all work.
We were taking a night stroll at the beach, talking about our upcoming projects for the year. We both realized how our careers changed so much and I was insanely proud of him for following his heart and doing what he loves. And so he was of me. Our careers were at a point I don't think it would be if we never would have broken up in the first place.
"Jen?"
"Hmm?"
"But you should know, I would have given it all up.. if that would mean I still had you. If I could change being without you for 18 years I immediately would go back in time."
I gave him a lopsided smile and hugged him.
"I'm here now."