Book 1: Leap of Faith -Charles Leclerc

Chapter 9

Chapter 9: March 25th, 2023

"What... the... fuck just happened," were the only words circling around Caroline's brain as she sat on the toilet, head in her hands. She was grateful in that moment that the best UTI prevention also let her have a moment to herself to process the events of the evening. She could still feel her nerves firing all over her body as she attempted to relax for a moment.

"What does this mean now? Was this just a full on booty call? Did he even hurt his back? Does he see me as anything other than a body to him? I really don't want to be friends with benefits. Is he even going to speak to me after this?" The questions all piled onto each other, one by one, as if being yelled at by a group of people.

"Care? Are you in there?" Charles said, lightly knocking on the bathroom door.

"Uh.... yes I am... sorry... always gotta pee after sex." she said, trying to break the tension that she felt through the door, but neither of them were laughing.

"Okay... I just wanted to tell you that you can stay over if you'd like, I grabbed a sweatshirt and sweatpants for you, they're right by the door," he said, placing the items down.

"IF you'd like?? What kind of mind games was he playing here? Does he want me to stay? Is that too presumptive? This is just a hookup for him, why would he even give me clothes?" The thoughts continued unrelentingly. Caroline suddenly became aware of the fact that she was fully naked, shivering on the toilet. She thought back to a mere minutes earlier when she was sweating under his body heat, writhing in pleasure. Now she was cold, huddled, and unable to stop thinking. It was incredible the difference just a few minutes can make.

"Thanks," Caroline mumbled as she made her way to the door, cracking it open just enough to let one hand slip out and grab the pile of clothes.

"This man literally just saw you fully naked, you're acting so weird right now," she thought, cringing to herself.

She slipped on the hoodie and sweats, admiring how petite she looked as she practically drowned in his clothes. After one last calming breath, she washed her hands and opened up the door, keeping her eyes down so as to not catch his. He was curled up in the bed, looking so innocent at the scene of the crime. She slowly made her way back around to the bedroom, noticing how much time had passed as it was completely dark outside. Her eyes shifted towards Charles, who was staring intensely at his phone. Unsure what to do at that moment, Caroline stood there, awkwardly shifting her weight. Eventually she made her way over to the wall of windows, admiring the sight of Monaco all lit up at night.

She drifted back to her thoughts, thinking about how this was the first man she had ever slept with outside of a relationship. Her friends did it all the time, and Caroline never judged, but she knew she had to have a romantic attraction to someone for her to have a sexual attraction. This was also the first intimate contact she had since Thomas, but this was different. Charles made her feel like a queen and he was there to serve her every want and need. Their emotional and physical connection was electric and she knew it. The truth of her feelings for Charles washed over her like a wave, compounded with a hint of sadness, as she had convinced herself he could never have feelings for her in a serious way. She was brought back to real life by all the nerves in her skin igniting and the touch of a hand on her waist.

"Are you alright?" Charles said, attempting to get her to look at him as he stared at her profile. "Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?" He continued, trailing off at the end of his sentence. Caroline took a long pause, keeping her eyes locked onto the view in front of her.

"No, I'm fine," she said, very unconvincingly. "I'm just a bit tired after that," she spoke softly as she turned her head to smile at him.

She leaned back into his arms ever so slightly, giving him reassurance that she did have a good time, but he knew something was off. He watched as she returned to her thoughts, knowing that they would take her away from him for the rest of the evening. Charles wished that he could just peer inside of her head for a moment, understanding a fraction of what went on behind those blue-green eyes. The two stood there, with her under his arm, both half present in the moment.

**

Charles laid in his bed, listening to the quiet sounds of Caroline breathing next to him. She was curled up into a tiny ball again, just like she did the night on the boat. Charles couldn't sleep a wink, he felt like his brain was on fire thinking about what they did in this bed a few hours ago. He had fully broken every promise he made to himself to just stay friends with this girl, and he felt the self hatred seeping into his brain.

"It's not fair to her, I can't be in a relationship for only a few months out of the year. No one deserves a half-present boyfriend. She deserves better than that," he thought to himself, looking at the girl passed out next to him. He thought back to what his ex told him when they broke up,

"Until being a boyfriend is a priority to you, you better not get involved with anyone else. All you do is hurt people."

Charles rubbed his eyes, trying to get the words out from his brain. He wished for sleep, desperate for an escape from the emotions that were brought up. He clicked on his phone, looking at the time. 1:23 am. He knew he would be screwed for his meetings the next day, not to mention how he was going to handle the situation with Caroline the next morning. He flipped over onto his stomach, letting himself take in her cute sleeping face, promising himself that this was the last time he would ever see it.

**

Caroline found herself at the bench the next morning, knowing that she needed a familiar spot to do some thinking today. She had just come from Charles' house, he dropped her off before speeding off for more meetings. He kissed her on the cheek goodbye, which was added onto the list of things for Caroline to overthink about. She let the warm breeze flow over her body as she closed her eyes, thinking back to the mere few months ago as she sat on this very bench with him, wondering if this all was a mistake.

"Have I completely lost sight of who I am? The old me would've never done this. I know that this situation isn't going to end well, I know I'm going to be left hurting once again. Why did I go over there? Why didn't I stop him?"

Caroline always had a strong willpower, knowing exactly what she wanted and not letting anything stop her from getting it. But when it came to romantic relationships, she always held back, terrified to be hurt again. She let her mind think back to Thomas, that day in his apartment as she had completely broken down crying. He had made her feel so small, so insignificant. Caroline promised herself that she would never let another man make her feel that way. Unintentionally, she had also built up some very tall and guarded walls around her heart. She felt like she had completely lost control of her life after him, spiraling towards a pit of depression. Caroline breathed out, letting the smallest of tears roll down her cheek.

"I cannot go through that again, I can't put my family and friends in that situation again." she thought, knowing how long it took her to put the pieces of her heart back together again.

"I couldn't give my heart to a guy like this, it's just going to break it," she continued, more tears welling inside her eyes. She thought back to the words that her family and friends told her over and over again after Thomas,

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."