Fine Line

September 2, 2023

Kiko Pangilinan enjoyed being Leni Gerona's best friend for at least a decade now. It meant being the other voice of rationality in her head, even when everyone else thinks she's rational all the time. It was a habit of hers — to see the rationality of others aside from her own. Kiko had always admired that about her. Sometimes hated — they work together and see each other almost 24/7, how wouldn't they? — but more often than not, he applauded her for it.

That's how he found himself sitting beside Leni, on the small balcony of his condo, a can of soda in hand while he tried to understand his best friend's predicament.

"So...kayo na ulit?" Kiko asked, carefully watching Leni's facial expressions. He learned, over the years, that what she says weren't always reflective of what's on her face. Leni glowed since the night of the afterparty and he's sure he's seen that before. Eight years ago, when she told him Risa kissed her for the first time.

"Not really."

"Not really? Ano ibig sabihin no'n?"

Leni sighed, a bit dreamily if you ask Kiko, and she grinned. "I said yes to the date. Kaya 'yung be mine for 90 days thing na sinabi niya, it's not that official."

"In other words, wala kayong label?"

"Parang gano'n? Basta ang usapan namin, wala kaming ibang gagawin kundi i-enjoy ang presence ng isa't isa. We've been apart for six years. And three months lang siya nandito. Us being in a relationship again defeats the purpose of letting each other go the first time."

"Hindi ba 'tong no label thing niyo ang nagdedefeat ng purpose ng paghihiwalay niyo dati?"

"I guess? Pero ayoko na rin isipin. I missed her, Kiks. Whether that's platonically or romantically, I haven't figured out yet, pero hindi naman kami nagmamadali."

"Enjoy lang gano'n? What happens, happens?"

"Yeah, like that."

"That's so unlike you, Len." Kiko laughed. "And yet, also so much like you. Ganyan ka no'ng college. No wonder having Risa back makes you feel like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you could relax and have fun. Happy ako para sa'yo. Deserve mong hindi mag-second guess at palaging isipin kung tama or enough ba 'yung ginagawa mo when it comes to your relationships."

"Are you, really? Hindi ka natatangahan sa ginagawa ko?"

"Hindi. Your breakup with Risa wasn't as messy as the other ones. At 'yun ay dahil you have genuine love and care for each other. If anything, I'm glad na ang ex na naisip mong balikan ay siya and not the others."

"Maka-others ka naman kala mo ang dami kong naging ex."

"Oh, bakit, hindi ba?"

"Hindi ko sila ex."

"Ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, ex-fling, ex-kalandian, it's the same, Len. I'm just going to remind you. Malaki ka na, alam kong kaya mo na yung sarili mo. Just be careful, okay? I don't want to see you lose yourself again at maging sobrang workaholic when you get your heart broken."

Leni fidgeted on her seat, aware that Kiko's words, repetitive as they were, hold true. However much she loved Risa (platonically or more), and how much she's going to enjoy this setup, there was always the possibility of her getting hurt. It definitely wouldn't be the first time she's going to cry over Risa and—

"I know. Naiintindihan ko kaya salamat."

— A lot more other things she didn't want to delve further in again. Or not yet again, at least. Wounds were still wounds, may they be old or new.

"You're welcome. Now leave and go get ready for your date kasama ang ex girlfriend mong girlfriend mo na ulit pero hindi pala kasi wala kayong label."

"Bwisit ka."

—

"Alam mo, sa totoo lang, I find it amazing," Risa began. "How you could look so different and so similar since I last saw you."

Leni felt her cheeks heat up and she bit her lip, suppressing a smile. "Pa'no mo naman nasabi?"

"You're calmer. More at peace and certain with yourself. It's like you finally found your place in the world. You're different in that sense. And then similar in the sense na..."

"Na ano?"

"Na ang ganda ganda mo pa rin. You're still easily the most beautiful person I've ever met."

Leni Gerona doesn't have many weaknesses. Like Risa said, she's at peace and certain with herself enough for anyone not to rattle her. At least on the outside. But hearing Risa still call her that, years after she's last seen her and talked to her, reduced her to a blushing, stammering mess. "Bolera."

"Malalaman mong bola 'yun if I only said it once. But I said it all the time before, didn't I?"

Blushing harder, Leni nudged Risa's calf from under the table, making the taller woman laugh. "You still have the very same reaction. Just take the compliment, Len."

Risa reached across the table to tuck a stray strand of hair falling on Leni's forehead. "I have ninety days to say it and you have no choice but to take the compliment over and over again."

Force of habit, Leni thought. Risa was so used to doing that to her when they were in college. Tucking the older woman's hair behind her ears, brushing her bangs away from her face, tying Leni's short hair in a ponytail whenever it was too hot. How can one keep up such a habit after years?

"May tanong ako," Leni spoke. "This whole thing – us – what's the goal?"

Risa licked her lips and chuckled. "Should there be one? Hindi ba pwedeng single ka, single ako, I missed you, you missed me, let's just have fun and live in the present?"

"Nangibang bansa ka lang ayaw mo na sa commitment?"

"You can always say no." Risa assured. "I would never hold that against you."

Their food arrived before Leni could reply. Even when it didn't, she doesn't know if she had any reply to what Risa just said. The younger woman didn't bring it up again though — brushing it off to avoid talking about it completely, or merely giving Leni some time to think, Leni didn't bother to question.

The thing is, Leni didn't want to say no. This was Risa in front of her.

Risa, who refused to date her at first because "baka gawin mo lang akong rebound" or because "I'm not someone you can experiment on, Leni."

Risa, who kissed her one night at the student council office and said, "Fine. You win, Gerona. I'm all yours."

Risa, who took dumb pictures of her whenever they studied together, whose lap she laid on when they spent their afternoons under the shade of the tree in the school field, whose lips she loved kissing because of how soft they were and it's the first time she's ever kissed a girl.

Risa, who taught her it was okay to not have her sexuality figured out because you love who you love and she shouldn't feel guilty about that.

Risa, who taught her to relax and have time to rest even when she had millions of things to do. Who made her bake sweets instead of doing her homework on weekends. Who knew Leni needed to let her hair down every once in a while.

This was Risa, who, at one point in her life, was the only thing worth giving up a perfect grade and an organized schedule for. The only person she could be herself and could breathe around without worries.

"I'm not saying no," Leni said as they walked back to her car after their dinner. "And you're right. Let's have fun and live in the present."