Already Home {H.S}

5

"Why?" I asked. "You have nothing to feel bad about,"

"I feel bad that I got to live, and she didn't. She had 25 short years to live, and here I am still living. I feel like I don't deserve it," he explained a little to me. "But I also feel bad for you. Every child deserves a mother, and you don't have one,"

"I have a mother, dad. Hattie is my mother, whether she is blood or not. She may not have been here for my whole life, but she will be for the rest," I really didn't want my dad to think that I felt like I didn't have the mother daughter bond that he wants me to have. I have a Hattie in my life, and we share a very special bond. Whether she is my blood or not, she is my mom. "Every child also deserves a dad as well,"

"I hope I'm a good enough father for you. I worry about that sometimes,"

"You shouldn't worry about that ever, dad. You are the best father a girl could ask for," I smiled up at him.

"Should we get back down there so they don't think we're crying up here all alone?" My dad joked.

"I'm sure they wouldn't mind if we were," I laughed. "But, yeah, we probably should show our faces again,"

*

"Are you going to be alright tonight?' Gemma asked. "You don't need me to stay the night with you to talk about stuff?" 

I had decided that I should go home almost half an hour ago, Gemma following behind me. I love how our relationship is. She protects me, and I protect her. It's been like this for years. But I feel bad sometimes.

I don't want her to feel like she has to babysit me on days like today. She shouldn't have to. In her own words, though, she likes to tell me, 'I know I don't have to, but you're my best friend. I like to know that you're okay even if that means I have to babysit you sometimes.'

She really is the best friend I could have ever asked for.

"I'm 21 years old, Gem. I'll be fine," I smiled. "But thank you, I appreciate it,"

"I just like to make sure that you're alright," she sighed. "You're alright, right?"

"I'm more than alright, Gemma, I promise you," I answered. "Would you like to know what I did yesterday?" I asked, trying to make our conversation lighter.

"What did you do?"

"I downloaded 2 dating apps," I laughed. "I wanted to see where I could get with them. Maybe I'll get a date in a few days so I can stop being lonely,"

"No!" she yelled a bit louder than she intended. "I wanted to set you up with someone before you went and did that,"

"I only set up my profiles, I haven't started looking yet," I laughed. It's like I'm going shopping for clothes or something. I find dating apps strange, but also funny in their own way.

"Don't look yet," she said. "I have someone perfect for you, I promise,"

"When is this date going to be then?" I sighed, finally giving in to her.

"You'll go on a date with him?" she asked, getting excited.

"Yes, I will," I nodded. "Set it up and let me know. My standards are very low, so I'll take anyone at this point,"

"Raise your standards. You don't want someone to walk all over you. You're an amazing woman, and you don't deserve to be treated like shit," she said. "I'll set up the date with him and let you know,"

"One question," I said. "How old is he?"

"He's a few months older than you," she answered.

"You better not let me down with this one, Gem," I said as we began walking toward our vehicles.

"I won't let you down. I've been saving the best for last," she grinned. "Get home safe, Layton,"

"I will," I said, getting into my car. "I'll text you once I've gotten myself ready for bed,"

*

I made it home in 15 minutes, got myself ready for bed, and I was now in bed. I've already texted Gemma so she wouldn't get worried about me. I would hate for her not to sleep because I forgot to text her that I made it home safe.

I'm not at the part of my night where I write in my journal. Usually, I like to do this to see what my brain gets me to write down, but today, I don't want to do it.

I don't want to do it, but I have to. I'll thank myself in a few years for doing this if I ever want to look back at it.

I don't want to be writing this today, but I'm forcing myself to.

Anyway, today is mom's 42nd birthday. Another year where she isn't here on earth to turn that age.

I wish I knew where she was. Is she in heaven? Is heaven even real?

I want to stop spiraling with all of these questions. Maybe that would stop me from going crazy.

I just wish I had that chance to grow up with my mom. I know that sounds awful because of Hattie, but I really want to know what it would've been like.

In lighter news, Gemma is planning that blind date for me. This will be the last and final blind date I go on that she sets up for me.

I'm hoping it will go well because I can't keep having failed relationships. They make me feel like something is wrong with me.

I'm keeping this short and sweet because I don't feel mentally well enough to keep writing about my sad feelings, so this is it.

-Layton Ervin

-28th June, 2016

-Age 21