Already Home {H.S}

5

In lighter news, I'm going to be spending my entire day with my family. We always spend the entire day together on her birthday and do everything that she loves to do. It's our way of remembering her.

We were at my dad and step-moms house.

As in me, Silas, his wife, Ellie, and their son Cade, Anne, Robin, and Gemma came over as well, which I really appreciate. Of course, my dad and my step-mom, Hattie, are here. It's their house, so it would be weird if everyone else was here and they weren't.

Hattie is honestly the best step-mom someone could ever ask for. She isn't my biological mom, but she acts just like she is. I know she isn't replacing my actual mom, but to me, she is my mom.

She's been in my dad's life for almost ten years now. They've been married for a little over 9 years at this point. I was 8 when they got married, and the lucky little girl I was when I was 8, I got to be their flower girl. Every little girl dreams of doing that. At least, that's what I think.

Along with getting a new mom at the age of 8, I also got a brother. Not just a brother, but my first and only sibling. When Hattie and Silas moved into the house with my dad and I, it felt like we were finally a family.

We were no longer a sad family waiting for the time when we could be happy at all times. We were finally that happy family we've dreamed of being for years. And we got that.

I'm happy about the fact that we got to have that happy family, but I do sometimes wonder what it would be like if we didn't or if nothing changed.

Would my mom and I be close?

Would my dad and I be as close as we are if my mom were still alive?

Would I have a sibling?

Would my parents still be together?

These are the things that I think about sometimes. It makes me sad to know that if my mom never got cancer, we could be this family that I imagine all of the time. Or if her cancer cured over time, we could still be that family in my mind. But I'll never know what that would've been like.

And that's okay.

It's okay because over the years, I got that family that I wanted. Hattie and Silas came along, and we became a family.

"How are you doing today, Lay?" My dad interrupted my thoughts. I didn't realize how long I had been sitting alone on the balcony for, but I'm guessing it'd have been a while if my dad came and found me.

"Why are you asking me?" I asked. "Shouldn't I be the one to ask you that question?"

"She was your mom, I want to know how you're feeling," he said. "I want to make sure you're doing okay as well,"

"I'm doing fine, dad, really," I sighed. "I feel guilty that I don't feel that sad. I want to feel sad, but I don't really remember her that much," I explain.

"That's okay, Lay," he sighed. "Your feelings are yours, and they're valid. You're allowed to feel how you're feeling. It's alright,"

"How are you feeling then, dad?"

"I'm hanging in there," he sighed, looking out into the backyard where everyone was at. "It's a hard day, but I can get through it. As long as I have my family around me to distract me a bit so I don't think about it too much, I'll be alright," he added. "But I also feel a little bit bad,"