My grandma died on 2014...before my primady school final exam what a joy.
In my middle school , the first dady didnt started yet , we're infrint of my middle school door , i was with mom waiting for my bestfriend to show up , i saw her and runned to hug her , i told her in which class she are in , and she said 1AM3 (i was 1AM2) i told ger its okay imma change the class for you so we can stay together , she said "imma change the school" , i felt like crying but stayed strong i was like no need to cry then went back to mom and cried then went inside my class. None of the people there were friend with me even if i studied with them in the primary school. I felt weird , i sitted alone ,they didnt want to sit with me.. i started getting paranoid..was i smelling bad ..? No.. Am i dressing weirdly..? Kinda im wearing kids clothes while them wearing almost adults clothes.. i start wearing dark clothes no motif clothes..hoping they can accept me..(they didn't).
Once we had a TP of music/ drawing.
We didnt have a music teacher only painting teacher , i wanted to join but mom and dad refused and said it's a waste of time. So i did music which i liked since we stay at class doing what we want..its usually at 8h-9h this courses start so i sitted alone putting my music on and wear my binny and hoodie and stayed drawing and humming some music i tried to spell..till a guy i studied with name akram merahi said " who are you talking to?" I said "no one i-" he cutted me and said "youre talking to the pencil?" I said "no im listening to-" he cutted me again and start laughing and said it to the guys who spread rumors.
Haha yeah rumors..about me.
This bestfriend i had disappear (i never heard about her ever again).
The entire school start ignoring me..people pointing at me calling me mskouna (possessed)..i stayed alone..ignoring people wishing to go home..i was 9 years old..i hated my life already..but i had a crush on a guy from 1AM3 , he was Yacine.Y.T , i was admiring him idk why.. (passed the year with 15.56)
In my 2nd year of middle school they changed class for me i was supposed to beon 2AM2, they changed me to 2AM6 , the last word i hear from them was "finally we got ride of this crazy bitch"
I didnt mind and tried to have a normal school time..this year his boys pushes him to me and made us date , we were both happy..and then he start getting paranoid..thinking i cheated on him..but i was doing my best to be a good girlfriend for him..
One day i was in another kindergarden eating with girls younger than me and they said "Yacine.Y.T is dating my sister" i was like "no he's my boyfriend" she said no he said to my sister he broke up with you while he didn't, the evening i went to him after i heard the news and he slapped me in the face. He said "why would i date a freak like you? Ugly? Not smart? No one loves you so why would i?" Those words hurted me like never , i didn't cry yet..when i was going home he grabbed me by my hair and pulled me by it till the school exit..it was valentine day hahah.
next day , 15 february , i wasnt in the mood to stay in the kindergarder..so i went school even if i don't have class.. no teacher to yells at me to where am i , no director, no nothing , only some student doing sport and the sport teacher..
The students runned away from him and hided and he saw me , he said if can help him to find them and i was like yeaaah (excited) i start searching for them with him..then we start searching in class then the teacher said "i heard something go and hide" i was like going to hide in the class closet but he pulled me to the wall and asked me to stay still and not make a noise , then a few second later i said "there's no-" and here he puts my hand on top of my head and kissed my lips for seconds while touching my breast and then started unzipping my pant..but thanks go i remembered what my dad said and punched him hard and made him fall far away (even if i was like 27kg i felt like god gave me extra powers to push him away) so i can run far from there i tried to zipp back my pant and runned to the school bathroom and stayed crying there...till a girl i know names meriem boussebha comes in and said "whats wrong?" I said "the teacher kissed me on my lips and touched my breast and tried to take off my pant"
She said in an annoyed tone "that's all? Its okayy stop being dramatic" Im being dramatic..? Almost gettimg rapped by a man of 58years old..i was 10...
Nevermind im being "dramatic" like she said its totally normal..haha. (passed they year with 12.34)
I started from that day using blades to cut my body specially my hands...even if it was on ramadan..i kept doing it before going to break my fast..i hated being alive.., in class the arabic teacher made me hate studying arabic and islamic science. Even if i studied hard she gives me 4-5/20 while others she gave them 18-19/20.
A teacher that guard the school once come on my class when i was on 3AM2 , she said why am i sitting alone ? Why am i drawing eyes ? I was about to say that i found this part of body pretty but she said that im doing black magic..haha..she told me why do i not socialize..i told her because my freaking classamates hates me and they dont want me to join them..AND one of them the same melissa old my childhood said i was the one not sitting with them and the one who refuse to talk to themand denied that they bully me since freaking 4 years...i got pissed and went crying in the bathroom of the school then kept studying alone hating other more. Passed it with 10.01/20
My 4AM2 , i hated this year and kept cutying myself life at home wasnt good parents not home working dad cheating on mom..ext...but i passed the year with 10.87/20
Having to pass all those years with no parents love, just emptiness , myself esteem was dead.
