Sokeefe Snippets

Her Fault

Sophie's insides were tearing each other apart, all wanting different things. One wanted to scream that he'd never understand. Another wanted to believe his lies and never leave his arms. One wanted to argue that they weren't lies. Another argued that they were. One just wanted to pretend she didn't hear him saying anything, and the last two were torn between saying it was all just a joke and everything was fine, or telling him the truth. They warred with each other. Fighting for different things.

On impulse, she decided to tell him.

"At... at the battle..." Her voice faltered. Keefe seemed to guess she was going to tell him and put an arm around her shoulder for her to lean on him. She gladly did so. "I-I was ch-chasing Gethen, and I -" The sentence was cut off with a sob, making Keefe hold her tighter. He brushed the tear off her face with his thumb, and Sophie melted into his hand. "I was so focused on Gethen, wh-when Gisela... Sandor had to... and he..." Strangled sobs came from her throat and Keefe patiently waited for her to continue, rubbing her back in slow circles. It was unfair how great he was.

The guilt was crashing in on her as she remembered every pained detail of the story. The rest of the story came out in a rushed mess."It-it was my fault, I was too idiotically obsessed with Gethen and I couldn't see Gisela line up the dagger, and if only I wasn't, a moron, Sandor wouldn't have gotten hit, it was all because of me, and now he's going to die, and it was my fault, I'm sorry, it was all my fault, I..." Sophie kept repeating. "It's all my fault."

She could feel herself falling. Falling into the deep pit of darkness. Keefe wasn't there anymore. Sophie wasn't there anymore. She wasn't in her bedroom, she didn't have her wounds or blood-soaked tunic. She was still falling. Falling back deep into an endless hole. A hole of guilt. She'd caved in on herself, she knew, and now she was drifting in her mind. Only one conscious thought.

It's all my fault, it's all my fault, it's all my fault, it's all my fault, it's all my fault, it's all my fault.

Suddenly, though, new thoughts entered. These weren't any more cheerful.

I'm just a burden, I can't lead - who am I? A failure. I've malfunctioned before, but I bet this pushed everyone over the edge. They were probably planning to get rid of me anyway, and I hope they do. No - actually, I want to get rid of myself. I don't want anyone else to be bothered by it. They already knew I was breaking, I'm pretty sure. After all, it's my fault Sandor's going to die.

Die. Death. Jumping off a cliff. It's strange, I do that regularly, and yet I'm still alive. If I wasn't, Sandor wouldn't die. Well - not because of me, at least. I'm just a struggle, a chore to deal with, I'm hurting others. I'm probably hated by most of the Elvin world. They'd like it if I was gone, right? I mean, how many times have I failed? They could replace me with someone better. Someone who doesn't screw up this bad. Yeah. They'd like that.

The Neverseen's face flashed and they stood there laughing at me. Fool. Idiot, Dumb. Ridiculous. Malfunctioning. Defective. Useless. Pathetic. Words sent her spinning. Spinning around and around. Lady Gisela's cackle rang in her ears. In the distance, she could hear her friends and parents voices. She chased trying to find it and when she reached them. They weren't welcoming her. They jeered at her. Calling her weak. Pathetic. A fool. A burden. Was that what she was? A fool? A pathetic little moonlark who burdens others? But the scene faded and she was surrounded by darkness once again. It was suffocating. Light shone in a distance but she was too exhausted to go after it. She had accepted it but a voice rang. "Keefe!" Reminding her of her true love.

Keefe, of course. Keefe. The name sent her spiraling further. Here I am, thinking only about myself, per usual. I'm so selfish. How would Keefe feel? I'm sure he would hate me for it. But... if he hates me, it'd be easier to let go, right? I hope so. I don't want to leave him going down the same path I am.