Fixing past mistakes doesn't always work

Fixing past mistakes don't always work

She was always thinking about it, the same thoughts swirling through her mind like a melody. She was tired of feeling this way, of feeling so empty.

She was like an outsider, living her life from afar. She feels like a puppet without its strings. But soon, everything would change.

She was twenty one and she had a long life before her.

She had enough of bending in two for people, she was tired of following rules that everyone kept breaking, she didn't want to live her life for others and not being able to follow her dreams.

Of course, she knew that it was easier said than done. It was a long road, she knew it but she was ready and her new life would be starting now.

And this was the reason she was now standing in front of a house she thought she'll never see again. Saying she was afraid was a euphemism. Okay, maybe afraid was not the right word to describe how she was feeling now. She was more like anxious. Yeah, she was anxious, she had a churning in her guts and she was suffering an upset stomach. Dark thoughts were all over her mind, thoughts she wished she hadn't and that were stopping her for having a clear mind. She might wanted to throw up too, the disgusting taste in her throat was bothering her. She tried to relax or else she would faint and she really really needed to be brave for this. It was the last chance she had.

Charlie has molded this picture of the cold girl for herself. She shows herself as confident and sarcastic. Well, before THE BAD THING. Because after everything came crashing around her, she didn't had to pretend anymore. She was always cold and angry and sarcastic. People didn't though for a moment that maybe it was all an act and that something happen for her to become such an unpleasant person. But now, she was still the "same" in the others' eyes and nobody knew that behind closed doors, Charlie was a mess. She was broken, a shadow of how she was before, she was all doubts and fears now.

Shaking her head, Charlie exhales and knocks on the door. She waits five minutes. Five minutes feels like forever. Five minutes and she starts having doubts. Five minutes and she regrets coming here.

Suddenly, the door creaks open and Charlie is scared. It's happening. It's now or never. The moment she dreads is finally happening. She locks eyes with the person in front of her, the one who has haunted her every day for the last two years.

– Alice.

Alice, what a beautiful name. Before, it meant happiness, late nights, long phone calls, shopping trips and shared secrets.

Now, it reminds Charlie of THE BAD THING, the mistakes, the fights and the tears, the harsh words and the end.

While Charlie is thinking about it, a thought pass her mind: why? Why did she think it was a good idea? How could she have though that facing her ex-best friend was a good idea? Did she think that Alice would smile at her and please, won't you come in? Charlie shakes her and focus back on Alice. Her Alice. And Alice is looking at her, face set in a cold mask.

Well, she is not really looking at her, she is more glaring at her and Charlie knows she could have been dead if her eyes were daggers. (She feels better knowing it would not happen. Unless Alice was into cold blooded murder and decide to kill Charlie with a knife through her heart. Focus Charlie, don't be so morbid!)

Charlie doesn't hold it against Alice, truly she understands. She is the one who left her even after they had promised to always support each other through everything.

– Charlie.

Alice's voice is cold but Charlie hears a hint of surprise somehow.

It's been two years since THE BAD THING and Alice has changed, much like everybody.

Charlie realizes with not much thoughts that Alice wears her hair at shoulders' length. They were middle's length before.

– Charlie! Alice is screaming now.

Charlie doesn't have the time to open her mouth and start speaking because Alice is already closing the door on her. Well, she tries to because afraid that Alice never let her explain, Charlie is quick to react and puts her foot in the door so it doesn't closed. Alice glares at her again.

– What do you want?

Charlie doesn't know how to answer because she doesn't know the answer. She is going through everything in her mind, trying to find the solution to the question asked but there is no answer, no solution, only a headache.

– Listen, if you wanted to ruin my day then I can say well done!

Alice's voice is poisonous, venomous and Charlie doesn't know anything anymore. Charlie doesn't know this Alice (not her Alice), not anymore and she is taken aback so she answers quickly.

– I wanted to apologize.

Often, people say that saying the secrets we keep always make us feel better. Charlie can truly say that people are wrong because she doesn't feel better. She feels little, sad and scared. And Alice not saying anything makes it worse.

– Apologize? You want to apologize?! You really think that apologizing will make it better? You think it'll erase all the shit I went through because of you?!

The silence is heavy and Charlie feels sick. This time, and she sees it in Alice's eyes who still glares at her, that it's the end. Alice had the last word, like Charlie two years ago, and she decided that she wants to look at Charlie with nothing but pure hatred. Charlie isn't angry with her, it's her own fault to start with and she's the reason they are here today. Charlie and her fiery personality are the reason their friendship ended in the first place. Not only theirs but Charlie has never felt this way before, not with the others. It's like she's dying inside and she cannot feel her heart anymore because her heart has been crushed by Alice. Just like she did with Alice's heart two years ago. It's her punishment, she thinks, for putting the one she loved through hell without blinking an eye, without thinking that maybe it was too late to go back in time and make it better, never make it happen in the first place.

Charlie feels dumb, so dumb and angry at herself too, for believing that Alice would forgive her and take her back like nothing happened, like Charlie had never ruined her life. She lost the person she has loved the most the moment she walked away, never realizing that she would never have her back, and it will always haunt her.

And while she is lost in her own destructive thoughts, Alice closes the door on her, a door that will never open again for Charlie.