Hidden Fear

Cuddle Me To Death

After preparing supper and putting Jensen's plate up I went to take a shower then climbed into bed. Setting the bear back on the nightstand, I checked the clock. It was 8pm, four more hours to go till Jensen got off work. "I'll just take a little nap, maybe that'll help clear my head." I relaxed my body and closed my eyes. Scratch. Scratch. My brows knitted and my body twitched. Scratch. Scratch. I rolled about in my sleep, trying to get comfortable. "Don't you want me?"

I rolled again and felt something soft against my cheek. "Why won't you hold me?" I squeezed my eyes closed tighter. It's just in your head, Rachel. It's all just in your head.

"Why don't you love me, Rachel?" My heart pounded; I could feel the panic attack coming. I breathed deeply and tried to relax myself once more. "Rachel. Rachel. Rachel." I yanked the covers over my head and prayed for the voice to stop. "Rachel?" I woke up and screamed as a hand touched my shoulder. "Rachel, calm down. It's just me. Are you okay? Was it another bad dream?" I looked up to see Jensen hovering over me with a worried look. "I... I don't .... yeah, I think so," I mumbled with uncertainty. Jensen rubbed my back. His eyes shifted to the pillow behind me, "I see you brought the bear to bed with you, did it help at all with the dreams?" My brows knitted, "The bear?" He nodded and pointed behind me.

I turned to see the creamy tan teddy bear laying on its side with its head propped on the pillow, its beady black eyes staring right at me. How'd it get there? I don't remember putting it there. Jensen moved the bear to the nightstand, "I'm going to get cleaned up then I'll join you in bed." He gave me a quick peck on the forehead and headed for the bathroom. I couldn't stop staring at the bear. Just how did you end up in my bed? I scooted to the side the bear was on, laying my head on the pillow I kept my eye on teddy bear as if it would suddenly come to life and move. I heard the shower turned off. "Are you sure that you are feeling okay," Jensen asked as he pulled some clothes from the dresser drawer. "Yeah....yeah I'm fine."

Jensen climbed in bed and rolled to face me, "I can hold you for a while till you fall asleep, if it'll help." I smiled, "that'd be wonderful." I scooted closer and felt his arms wrap around me. I laid there listening to his heartbeat, feeling his chest rise and fall. It wasn't long till I felt myself drifting off to sleep in his warm embrace. "Hold me, Rachel. Why won't you hold me?" I pushed my head further into his chest and squeezed my eyes shut tighter. "Let me help you, Rachel. I can make the bad dreams go away." I could feel something along my back. Something soft and fuzzy. I squeezed myself closer to Jensen. Praying repeatedly that the sun would rise soon. "We will be together soon."

I woke up to Jensen snoring in my ear, somehow in the middle of the night I had become the little spoon. I pulled the cover up to my chin and sighed. It was just a bad dream. I looked up and was startled to see the bear sitting on the edge of the bed watching me. I quickly flipped over and grabbed on to Jensen like life depended on it. The quick movement jolted him awake, "Rach? Are you okay?" I quietly sobbed into his chest. "It's okay, it was just a bad dream," he said as he rubbed my back soothingly. "How the bear get there?" He yawned. I peeked my head out of his embrace to see the bear had moved closer to his side of the bed. I froze as Jensen pulled away, he grabbed the bear and laid back down.

He laid it between us. The bear's round, black beady eyes remained solemnly glued on me. "I'm starting to wonder if maybe the bear wasn't a good birthday gift idea," Jensen yawned. I didn't want to make him feel bad about getting it. "No, no I love it. I just keep misplacing it, I guess." I shakily brought the bear closer to me. "Not as much as you love me, I hope," he said jokingly. I giggled and gave him a peck on the lips. Jensen yawned again and rolled halfway to check the time, "we still got a couple more hours of night left, let's go back to sleep and get some rest." I nodded. I waited for Jensen to fall back to sleep before tossing the bear onto the floor and cuddling closer to him.

"Won't don't you love me, Rachel? Why won't you hold me?" I ignored the voices in my head and thought of only positive things like Jensen and his sweet warm embraces. "Why won't you hold me......I'm cuddly too, Rachel. Let me cuddle you."

The voice became deeper and more animalistic. "Let me hold you, Rachel. Let me love you. I won't let you go." Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. I cuddled closer to Jensen, letting the sounds of his breathing calm me. Creak. Creak. I felt the end of the bed dip just a little, something brushed against my feet.

The covers shifted downwards. I yanked them back up and moved closer to Jensen till my body was practically glued to his. I felt him roll over in the bed, the covers shifting only slightly. "Hold me, Rachel." I squeezed my eyes shut tighter and tighter till I started seeing black dots. Why won't it go away? I tried to focus on his heartbeat but could hear nothing. My body froze, I silently started to panic. "Jensen, are you okay?" I asked in a soft sleepy tone as I slowly worked my eyes to open . I felt his arms wrap tightly around me and pull me closer. Maybe I had hallucinated his heart not beating? His arms tightened more around me. His embrace became suffocating. "Jensen, I can barely breathe. You're squishing me." "I'll never let you go, Rachel." I forced my eyes to open fully and screamed. The bear was laying in Jensen's spot and within the bear's bloody paws was Jensen's severed arms. My eyes shifted to the floor where my boyfriend's mangled body lay. "Cuddle me, Rachel." I felt the arms tightening, the bear's beady black eyes was the last thing I saw before my vision faded. "I'll never let you go, Rachel. I love you."