Just Hold My Hand

Chapter Four- Charlotte

Andrew deserves better than me. I don't really love him, I just need him and am too selfish. I need to stop this and let him be. He should be with a princess, he definitely played the part of prince well.

I sighed, but it came out more as a moan of agony. This was never going to get any easier. How long can a person deny their own feelings, and still play the role of a content teenager. I was not happy. Thankful sure, glad to be alive and with my true love. Not happy though. I was only almost happy whenever I was with Andrew, but it was never enough. Never enough to make me truely happy. I was grateful, that even after all these years he still wanted to be there, and stick around for my benefit. I was selfish, I should just let him leave me and go with his own type of crowd. I clung to him though. I was afraid to never see the sun again, he was my sun. He brought warmth to my life and a sense of life. He lit up what I never saw before, and showed me a way in the darkness. I could never let him go. Ever.

That's why Andrew needs someone else. I am far too selfish. He is the opposite, which only adds to my reasoning. He only cares about other people, especially when it comes to me. I see the longing and frustration in his eyes when he stares at me, probably contemplating how he got into this. How to get out. My minds voice whispered to me as an afterthought. I knew it was right. He was trapped with me. I was just extra baggage he never asked for, thinking only the he was getting a friend to play with, he ended up with a life's commitment. He deserved better.

I didn't though. There was none better. If I ever thought of moving on and letting him go, I would always have to lower my standards to be content without him. He was perfect. In every sense of the word. His face, his body, his walk, his talk, his laugh, his smile... his smile could light up a room. Another reason I call him my sun. Everytime he smiles, I smile back. I would never find someone better. I never wanted to either.

Please don't think this is a one sided friendship though, I'm sure I sound already very selfish, but don't think I never am there for Andrew. I have a heart after all, and I really do love him. I am always there when he needs someone to talk to, to reason with, and even to let out his frustrations on.

Much to my dismay, he is in love already. I don't know her name, but she seems to have a pretty strong hold on his life. He revolves his world around her, bases his life on her. He comes to me, mostly in a fit of self anger. He claims it's his fault they never have a chance, that he's the one holding them back. My heart aches for him, because he is in pain. Although a better half of me is slightly heartbroken whenever he admitts his love for her, I push that aside and try to comfort him. He was just too good a person to be blaiming himself for the things he does.

I just can't wrap my head around one thing though. Andrew always can tell when I am lying, he knows everything about me, and can always tell how I feel or what I am thinking. On the one thing I wish he could understand though, without me having to say it out loud, he is completely unware.

'Or he has already figured it out and is just looking for the next chance to get away...'

I physically shook my head to be rid of that thought. It was the depressing, almost evil voice again, telling me I was always the problem. Please don't think I am crazy... I'm not honestly. It's just well...

My father was always, all throughout my childhood, pounding it into my head that I was no good. That I was a loser, and would never amount to anything. Even now, when we never spoke, his voice always reminded me of that. I would always amount to nothing, I just had to accept that. As much as I hated to admit it, my father was right about one thing.... No!

Andrew was not like that! I could never believe that! Never. Ever. He was the first person I ever told about my dark insecurity, and he was the one who told me to never believe anything the dark voice conjured up to depress me. I won't. My father was never right. Never.

I just had to believe in Andrew, that's part of loving someone. Trust. Though never really associated with me, I had to try at least. I would learn to love and trust Andrew. Whether it ever amounts to anything doesn't matter now. I would show him, I am worth it. I not only need him, but I want him. I love him. I'm more than the weak, meaningless girl he has come to know.

I will do my best to outshine this mystery love of his life. I will not only prove myself worthy, but show him how overly worthy he is for me. I know I really am not at all, but I need to be courageous, proud, and brave. Something Andrew would be happy to call his friend. Even if I never amounted to his love, I needed to be at least a worthy friend. At least. I was always best at being the least.

Least lovely. Least funny. Least friendly. Least talented. Always the least of everything. There is always something or someone better. Who am I kidding? I shouldn't even try, it will only end in disaster. I just need to be content. I have Andrew in my life, and he is even so much as my best friend. I can't keep asking for more. I just need to be his friend, his best friend.

I will just try to forget trying to outshine anyone and just be happy being my own, quiet, meaningless self. Andrew will go on being his amazing, beautiful, perfect self. Life will continue on in harmony. I won't waste our precious time together trying to be something I can never be. I will just be thankful that Andrew continues to grace my life with his presence and continues to hold my hand.

I smiled at myself. He does hold my hand, a lot. For him it may just be a friendly gesture, but to me it will always be much more.

"Just keep holding my hand, and I won't let go untill you do."

I got my jacket, and put on my shoes. I was ready to soak up some serious sun. Regardless of the down pour outside. I locked the door on my way out, and half walked half jogged to Andrew's house. I was already feeling the slight burst of butterflies and nerves rummaging around in my stomach. I always felt like this, there was no getting used to it.

Maybe that's a good thing?

My thoughts were inturupted with the sudden opening of the door, my sun in the flesh smileing down at me from inside the threshhold. Instantly my whole soul was filled with warmth.

I love you Andrew. When will I get to tell you?

~~~

Hello Lovelies <3

So there is Charlotte's sort of Intro Chapter. These first two teenage chapters weren't really so much point of view, but just a look at what was going on in each of their minds. Obviously they both feel totally unworthy and have very weak resolve. Always changing their minds and what not.

** Author's Note**

Like I said before, Charlotte's Chapters are more detailed and long. Reason being because she has got a lot more inner turmoil to deal with. What with the depressing voice and all. She is in fact not crazy, just sort of brainwashed into thinking she is unworthy of anythings, thanks going to her father. Andrew is next, and we get to see how they interact now-a-days...

So what do you think? Are they meant to be... or will something always be in the way? Or better yet? Will there be some one... dare I say... better?

Oaky Doeky with that last thought, please be patient for the next upload ;) And I hope you all keep reading on! Please vote, this is up for Watty Awards you know, and please also comment as much as you want!

Always Love,

Lily Avenue <3