As Sin

celluloid frames

"An hour, maybe two. Depends on whether or not His Highness here throws up on set."

"Shut up."

"An hour..." Charlie echoed.

They balled up their sweater with their fists and pulled it over their knees. Nate tried not to stare at the way their eyes were wide open, their gaze fixed on the table. Their shoulders were pressing against their neck. Their left foot shook aggressively against the wooden chair. Xia sighed and kept tapping on each phone.

"Look, if it gets too much, I'll give it to you," Xia said.

Charlie shook their head. "No, it's okay. It's just been a while. I'll be fine without it."

Xia opened his mouth. One of the phones rang, interrupting him. He stood up and left the room to take the call. Nate turned to Charlie. He spotted beads of sweat rolling down their forehead. Xia had left the window open, and a cool breeze was pleasantly blowing in. They leaned their head against the back of the chair.

"Why don't you see a doctor?" he asked. They shook their head.

"I'm good without anything. I'm not getting hooked. I'm not fucking it up. Not again."

He held his tongue on whether or not it was safer to have their demons control them instead. Charlie was grown, and he trusted them to know what they wanted to do. He couldn't help but feel sorry for them each time this happened, nonetheless. He grasped his hands, trying to think of the best thing to say.

"If... you do get hooked. We could always get you clean again. It would be easier than last time."

They gave him a weak smile.

"Thank you. I just don't want... to always want more," they shuddered. "I don't want that to become my everyday life."

He nodded. "I know what you mean."

Their eyes grew warmer. They reached out their hand and let it linger close to his. He could feel the warmth emanating from their skin. He resisted the urge to take their hand. Instead, he basked in the warmth, drinking in how close they were to him.

"It means a lot that you got clean," they said. He smiled. It was worth everything, all the withdrawal pain, the nausea, the sleepless nights, if he could hear those words. All he wanted was to never hear anyone be disappointed in him again.

Ra cleared his throat. "Me guilty conscience is goin' t'kill me if you say that."

Charlie laughed. He felt his heart lighten at hearing that quiet sound.

"What about it? Should we get you into Alcoholics Anonymous?"

"My arse."

Xia entered the room again. His face was set in determination. His eyebrows were furrowed, and his mouth was pressed together in a straight line. Dread crept up in Nate's stomach. Xia might have been committed to the business side of music, but he certainly wasn't. He could already hear the lectures coming in.

"Right, let's go through what we'll do for the photoshoot."

Xia droned on about how they should behave, the things they should say for all the interviewer's questions, loosening up in front of the cameras, and more that he had tuned out. He preferred being himself, even if he was being scrutinized for every action. If he was going to be criticized anyway, wasn't it better to be judged for the person he was, instead of someone he rehearsed to be? He tried imagining what kinds of poses the photographer would have them in and almost burst out laughing. It was strange to capture them in one still photograph and pretend it was authentic. He didn't mind pictures, but he preferred the pictures of them in concerts and rehearsals instead of the stiff environments of studios. He loved the fleeting moment of singing his heart out being captured in frame after frame.