𝗽𝗶𝘅𝗶𝗲 𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄, james potter

PADFOOT'S FAIL-SAFE WAY TO CHARM WITCHES

Now, where was I... yeah, so, basically, it was written by the biggest virgin I've ever seen... sometime half a century ago? I'm telling you, this bloke has no clue about anything he's going on about. Yeah, I guess there are a couple of things I can base my own things off of, but nothing that good.

And that's another thing - it was written by some bloke named Wyatt. Which, first of all, is one of the gayest names I've ever heard, and I'm called Sirius, and second of all, what qualifies this guy to know anything about girls? You shouldn't be trusting anything a guy writes about girls because guys know nothing about what girls want. Girls know what girls want.

And me, of course. I know everything.

NO. 2 CASUAL CONVERSATION IS KEY

Bit simple, really, but you're all stupid buggers who shag on the first date and expect her to follow you around like you've won the Quidditch Cup single-handedly the next day. Nope. Doesn't work like that. And this Wyatt fella reckons you can launch straight into all the deep stuff.

We go to a boarding school, for fucks sake. You shag a girl one night and the next half her friends are glaring at you because you didn't ask her on a date first and McGonagall's hauling you off to Pomfrey to receive a round of unwanted sex education that absolutely nobody asked for and is more than a pain to sit through. It's a nightmare, you don't want that.

No interrogating either, if you have a crush on this girl, she doesn't want to be bombarded by twenty questions about where she lives, if she has any pets and where her dream holiday is.

So be friends with her. Maybe sit next to her in class, pair up with her in Potions, ask how her weekend was, find out what lessons she has - and, this might be a little advanced for the likes of you lot, but if she's struggling on some homework, agree to help her with it. And if you're struggling on some homework, let her know.

Snivellus might snicker, but he's not the one with a study date in the library. You meet her there, if it's late you bring coffee, if it's before lunch you walk her to the Great Hall. You sit on adjacent sides of the table and wait for the right signals. The signals might not come, and in that case, fail your next essay.

NO. 3 COMPLIMENTS, WHEN, WHY, HOW, AND WHICH ARE A DEFINITELY NOT

Now I'm not going to go down the route of what good ol' Wyatt has to say about this and that is apparently 'compliments are key'. I wouldn't say they're not important, however you're never going to get a girl to go out with her by going up to her and dropping some awful pick-up line with something about the moon and the stars and, yes, James, this is one of those things you said to Evans that time. Completely unnecessary and I almost threw my breakfast up.

There's no need for all that. Keep it simple. Especially when you're only friends with her. Everything just needs to be simple. Tell her that her hair looks nice, ask her if it's a new jumper, tell her that she looks pretty, if she's responded well to the last two.

Nothing weird. None of these have come out of my own mouth, but I've known Prongs for the entire time he was following Evans around like a dog, and here are some of the things he said to me that he said to her that you are never to repeat, Pete.

No saying she has nice skin, no asking if her hair has gotten more ginger, nothing about the sun radiating from her. No complimenting her shoes - they might be great shoes but it implies you've been staring at her feet. Nothing about her legs, arms, wrists, fingers or nails. And don't try and argue with me James, I might have exaggerated some of them but trust me, half the time you said some weird shit.