right where you left me -h.s

17| Last kiss

There's only one thing that will help me calm my mind, writing. I always found peace in my journal. Inside this notebook exists all of my deepest thoughts, my deepest fears and fantasies.

My black ink is all over the pages. I write the date, January 31th, in the blank whitish page and then I start to write my thoughts, like usual, as lyrics.

So you were right

There's always two

The one who stays, and the one who's leaving you

Hear me out, my apologies

'Cause I'm not here for sympathy

I was the one who left, the one who didn't show any emotion when life got hard again. And I'm regretting it so much, I regret it again and again every day and every night. I know that I hurt her and I wish I could go back in time and change everything. I wish I never left, I wish I could be as open as she was. If I could go back in time, I would get her to know all of my friends and family. Hell, I would even post about her because the whole world has to know how beautiful she is and how obsessed I am.

'Cause I don't want to hear about him

How he's holding you better at night

And I don't want to hear about him

I read the stories, I read everything. And I believe them. I read about the love story between them two, the love story between her and her other previous partners. I wish I could be on that list. I wish my name would be forever associated with hers.

That nice dress in my Wildest Dreams

Lipstick stains you left still on my sheets

When I hear eyes

It breaks my heart evеry time

I remember her obsession with my eyes. They reminded her of calmness and somehow her childhood. The good parts. The happiness her grandfather gave her, because that was the only form of love she got to know. I disappointed her, I told her I would be there forever one night and I left. I left her standing there frozen, like a ghost. I left her waiting for me, and I didn't come back.

I remember the first time I saw her in person after a year or two. We had met before for the Elvis table read but we didn't get to know each other. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen back then and I still think that now. It was a few days before My Policeman was about to start shooting. She was sitting with Emma Corrin and they helped me get to know Alice. They knew each other somehow and I couldn't take my eyes off her.

I remember everything all too well. It was July and the first time we got to know all the cast. Filming was supposed to start in February because of my hectic schedule but some scenes should have been filmed sooner. The director and some producers found it the perfect opportunity to organise a get together for all the cast.

Alice was wearing a white dress and black sandals. She was wearing that red lipstick that I love on her and her blonde hair was in curls. She was beautiful, aetherial even. This lipstick was in my sheets a few months after I first saw it on her.

I still remember the perfect stain it left. I wish I could leave it like that forever. It reminded me of her, and at the time we weren't leaving together due to quarantine. We hit it off instantly and I got her number. Two weeks after that I invited in a little secret rendezvous and she accepted. We started seeing each other in our houses every day, even in America. We had a common schedule back then. She stayed at my homes more than I did. She was the happy note that was missing.