Everything I never said

My best friend

Lately, I've been struggling with my insecurities more than ever.

It's strange because I never used to feel this way... not until I met my best friend two years ago.

She's absolutely stunning and stands out in a crowd of girls. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm nothing in comparison. My feelings for her have turned into self-loathing and I can't seem to find any good qualities in myself anymore. I'm so blinded by my admiration for her that I can't even believe someone would find me attractive. I don't think I'm ugly, but I definitely feel inferior to her.

The worst part is that I began to view myself as her shadow because that was how she perceived me. She never saw me the way I saw her. I was merely a supporting character in her narrative, and over time, I also became a secondary character in my own story.

So I've decided to change. 

She's my only friend, and she always tried to help me get better, but I didn't want her help. I don't think I can be saved, and I don't think I deserve to be saved. I want to save myself, but I feel like I'm drowning in my own failures and shortcomings. If I can't do it alone, then I don't think I'll ever be able to do it at all.

And if I do accept her help and actually achieve my goal, it would feel like I didn't earn it. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she helped me, especially when she already thinks I'm incapable of so many things. All those sleepless nights I spent trying to get better would mean nothing if I just handed my most significant achievement over to her.

 I am not going to give her the satisfaction of thinking that she played a part in my
healing journey.

It's not her fault, it will never be, but I'm going to fix everything she never knew she broke.