just a cast member (Sadie Sink Lovestory)

chapter 31: the past

TW: mention of SA and SH

Elle's POV:

The moment I saw Sadie I immediately broke down again. Caleb left us alone to talk and I knew that now was the time, even if I didn't feel ready. Not saying anything about what just happened was impossible and with that I had to tell her everything that was happening between me and Evan.

"Come on Elle, you'll be fine. I am here now." Sadie whispered in my ear in an attempt to calm me down while she was holding me tight in her arms.

"Let's breathe together, love. Can you do that for me?" Sadie asked as she looked into my eyes deeply. I saw that she was worried sick about me, but she was trying to hide that.

I was hyperventilating and looked back into her eyes with a blurry vision because of the tears in my eyes. 

"Breathe in.... and breathe out... and again. breathing in... and out..." Sadie quietly said while she was holding my hands and breathing with me.

"Good..." she said.

After some minutes I was breathing normal again and she stood up, trying to get me on my feet as well. She held my hand while I slowly walked behind her and she guided me to her room. When we entered her room she walked towards the bed and sat down on the edge, she patted the place next to her to indicate for me to sit next to her. I sat down.

"You wanna change into your pajamas?" She asked.

I nodded quietly and she helped me to get my hoodie over my head. She helped me get my T-shirt  off as well and dropped it to the floor. I could feel her look at me and then she turned around to go get a T-shirt of hers and some sweatpants out of her dresser. I could her her sniff and when she turned around I saw that there were some tears dropping down her face. She helped me put the clothes on and sat down next to me again.

"Don't cry." I said. That was the first thing I said to her since Caleb brought me back to her house.

"Elle... What happened?" Sadie asked me.

"There's no point in lying anymore. Promise you won't hate me?" I asked. I was scared that everything would changed after I revealed what happened today and all these years back when I was with Evan.

"I could never hate you." Sadie reassured me.

I was looking at her and she was looking at me for a brief moment. She didn't expect for me to talk right away and I appreciated that. I took a couple minutes to gather up what I wanted to say.

"I started cutting again." was the first thing I said. "And I know that you know because you saw." 

She looked into my eyes the whole time I was talking. That's something I love about Sadie, she lets you know that she actually listens what you are saying.

"Why?" she asked briefly.

"Everything started to get dark again. I started having these thoughts again and I thought I could handle it this time, but then something set me off and I can't remember what happened I only remember sitting there and realizing what I've done." I said to her.

"What set you off..?" Sadie asked slowly, being afraid that it had to do with her. I was afraid to tell her that it was our break after the whole drama on set. But I knew I couldn't lie to her any longer.

"I know you will think it's your fault, but it really isn't Sades. It really has nothing to do with you. It would have happened eventually." I said.

"Elle. what set you off... please tell me." Said said while her voice was shaking.