Pieces of My Mind

The rain

One day, there was this little girl running down the street. She ran in her little bright yellow overall and pink rubber boots to protect her precious self from the rain. Every single time she ran by my house, she waved  with her tiny hands at my bedroom window, not knowing if I am there or not. But I was there. Every single rainy morning, day, afternoon, evening and even at night. Her little wave was my motivation to keep going, because as long as she's running in the rain past my home, waving at me, it's my purpose in life to wave back at her. And strangely, even though we had a big age gap and lived in different worlds, her warm, fluffy and bright and mine cold, hard and dark, we had something in common. We both loved the rain. It gave us this peace of mind, nothing else could. She knew that too, that we were different but shared the same passion. Every morning she walked past my house to her kindergarten. She wasn't alone. No sane man would let a 3 year old walk alone to school. No, she never was alone. She had a lovely and caring family and more importantly, the little ray of sunshine had a caring dad. Even though I never got to see her Mom, her dad was always there to accompany her. He ran with her through the rain, even though he might get sick. He didn't mind the cold water or thunder. All he cared about was the safety of his beloved daughter. He was the perfect dad. He was always there for her. And that's, what differentiates her and me. I never had a Dad. He couldn't be there for me, even though he longed to. I don't blame him but his absence left scars. Since childhood I was anxious and scared, always looking out for a father figure. I never found the one, because they simply weren't my dad. I cried seeing cute Dad and daughter interactions. My heart was missing a piece, not even my late husband could fill. He left me not too long ago and I've been thinking about leaving too. There isn't anyone left, who might miss me...
But not anymore, now there's this little girl who cares for me. Who's bringing me cookies, when I didn't look too happy, while waving at her or she hadn't seen me outside for quite some time. She was worried about me. I knew. She always talked with her dad while bypassing my house about me and that her Mom was like that too, before she left... Whatever she meant by that, I didn't want to leave the child, like her Mom did, whether it was willingly or not. I wanted to be there for her but I simply couldn't. It's hard to befriend someone again, after your life was full of betrayal and pain. But, I wanted to try to be better, to be there for her just as she was there for me.

I haven't been feeling good lately, the first anniversary of my husband's death getting nearer as the days go by. That's why I've been crying the whole night, not noticing when it rained or when the little sunshine passed by. I didn't leave the house for a week now.  Not even for groceries. I didn't pick up the phone. Even though it was my in-laws who were calling. I wanted to be alone. But one day during my misery, I checked my doorstep for the cookies I've been getting daily lately and to my suprise, there weren't just the usual cookies. There also layed a single white rose with a note attached to it's stem, saying: "Stay strong. We miss him too."