Beatrice turns her body to face her. "As in you expected me to be more hesitant about sex-related things?"
She looks a bit worried, as if she truly doesn't want to offend Beatrice. "I mean, you have to admit it's a little surprising. I remember our first kiss, you know? And, I mean, you're a nun."
Beatrice can't help her laugh. "I suppose I can see where you're coming from, but you should remember that I wasn't always a nun, you know?" she points out, and they definitely should have had these conversations before they started taking off their clothes. "I was a teenager with certain interests. Far too much guilt and shame, yes, but that never stopped my curiosity."
Ava sits on the end of their bed, watching her. "Did you ever - before - were you - " She stops and puffs out a breath. "You know what I'm trying to ask."
"Once," Beatrice answers, sobering slightly. She's never been able to make sense of her feelings about it, having her curiosity sated, yes, but overwhelmed by what it meant for her. "In boarding school. My last year. Before I joined the convent."
"What was she like?" Ava asks, and it's quite telling that she doesn't assume any other pronoun.
Beatrice really never thinks of her, mainly because she truly is wracked with guilt and shame over what happened after. "She struggled, too," she finally says. "Much more than I ever did. We were meant to reform each other, in a sense, but she was just as curious as I was. She was smart - maybe too smart - and we - she couldn't quite handle what we'd done, after. It felt like too big of a sin for her, and I couldn't - I didn't know how to change her mind; to make her believe it was okay, when maybe there was a part of me that also believed we were doomed to suffer worse fates."
Ava's expression shifts to sorrow, and Beatrice has to look away.
"Maybe some sins outweigh others," Beatrice says to the ground, hands fidgeting in her lap. "She never did make it to graduation, and I joined the convent immediately after."
"Did you ever view it as penance?" Ava asks.
"Maybe. In a sense. But I think I ended up gaining more than I ever lost." Her gaze lifts to meet Ava's. "I found my way to you, didn't I?"
Ava watches her now, expression open and calm. "Was it that much of a surprise?" she asks, "When I kissed you?"
Beatrice recalls that moment, every emotion swirling inside of her: fear and anger and surprise and wonder and just a lot of determination. "To be fair, I hadn't been kissed in quite a few years," she finally says. "There's some trauma attached to it, I won't lie, but also - Ava, it was you. My brain needed a moment to catch up, because you truly are everything I've ever wanted, and it is still unbelievable to me that we're here together."
"You need to believe it," Ava says, studying her carefully. "You have to."
"Okay."
She shakes her head, a little amused at Beatrice's immediate agreement. But then her facial expression turns serious and she says, "I love you," like they're not words she's held onto for weeks now. Beatrice stops breathing. She didn't know when or if she would ever hear them again. "It is terrifying just how much."
Beatrice doesn't dare move.
"There's one for me too," Ava tells her. "He was - I suppose he was nobody in the end. Maybe someone I needed at that moment in my life. Someone who could see all the parts of me I was still trying to figure out. Someone who needed to come before you." She clears her throat. "But, Bea, I truly do love you, which definitely wasn't ever part of the plan, I'm sure, but here we are, and I already told you I'm never leaving you, so we may as well make it official."
Part 25
Start from the beginning
