After My Love Burns

Diary in October

5 October

I am no longer sad. I am delighted and satisfied because I have had my sole treasure Mirage, and I am the happiest woman in the world when I can be with my beloved man even at the expense of losing my virginity and the rights of being a wife.

I put a white rose, which was bought for me by Mirage, beside my pillow last night. Its colour and fragrance could be the symbol of me being a lover. I kissed the petals and indulged in my sweet dream.

6 October

I was gazing at the sky after I woke up. I could hardly believe that I could have such a wonderful thing in this miserable world that I doubted whether I were in a dream. So I rubbed my eyes and then watched my wrist which had had the appealing smell of Mirage's neck. It brought me ecstasy, and my heart was thumping when I was kissing the luscious marks left by him.

I got up and enjoyed the bright sky and the autumnal sunshine, and then I put on a light green cheongsam and some makeup and, standing in front of a mirror, became so intoxicated at the thought of Mirage's charming eyes that I had to support myself by leaning on the bed. Sudden honks made me rush outside to see my candyman, but he was looking anxious. "You've stayed indoors all day long?" he asked in surprise in a low voice.

We got upstairs while we were talking. He became silent after he sat down next to me, but he could feel my kisses on his hair. "Do you love me?" he said, smiling.

I knew that he had been loving his wife and he could not be owned by me whole, but that was not his fault; what's more, his wife might regard me as a home-wrecker and I lamented my love for him. As a sentient being, how could I end all my affections for him? I did not care about the so-called morals or the law.

Alas, I had to endure the slings and arrows of my separation from him and had to let him go back to his family, and I had nothing to offer except my tears.

He saw me sitting there in a trance and, grasping my hand, said, "What's on your mind? You know that I'm determined to join the Revolution and fight for our country. I'll be back after my mother gets better, perhaps one year later. I don't deserve your deep love for me."

"I received a letter from my wife in the countryside. She said that my mother had got ill and asked me to go home. I'll return tonight by boat."

7 October

I saw Mirage off on the boat last night. He asked me to return when the bell tower in the Bund struck twelve at night. My tears, which fell into the river endlessly when I was leaning on the rail, would accompany him on his way home and would bring him back to me soon.

"Goodbye, Vainhope. Take good care of yourself and do something for our country," he said. The bus service was unavailable while there was still hustle and bustle in the Bund in spite of few pedestrians. I walked alone in the street before I hailed a rickshaw to take me home. It was like a dream. Last night he slept in my arms but he was on his journey to his hometown tonight. I am gloomy that things should have come to this, and I blame myself for my obsession with him and I even want to get rid of it, but I would not have got involved with a married man if I had been able to cut the Gordian knot. Love is too complicated.

8 October

The drizzle these days resembles my tears of pining. I was too listless to get up or to have some food. Wentin came to see me this morning and asked me to have a meeting, I declined it because I could not do anything with a heavy heart.

I got up at noon and had a piece of bread and a glass of milk. I wanted to write to Mirage but my mind was in a mess when I put the letter paper on the desk. In spite of this, nothing would make me feel better except pouring my emotions out in words.