Исповедь Райка Мэдоуза (Rayk Meadows' confession)

I don't know what love is

Goddamn love. Who the hell came up with the idea that this is the most important thing in life? Is this man a fucking loser who can't do something really worthy? Or does he have problems with his head? Both, I think.

When Lo told Lily he loved her, I couldn't fucking understand him. How could you find the meaning of life in other person? Someone who is so inconstant? And what if you break up? Would it be the end of your life? Broken heart and a mess in a head? I'm not fucking ready for it. What the hell is love? I don't know what it is. I've never been loved. Nobody was ready to die for me. No one was willing to give their life for me. What fucking life? My dad wasn't even ready to admit to people that I was his son! My mum refused to give me her surname.

My mum is Sara Hale.

My dad is Johnatan Hale.

I'm Rayk Meadowes. Nobody's son.

I don't know what fucking love is. And I certainly don't intend to put my life on the search for it. I'm twenty-one and I'm single. Fuck your love.

***

Fuck. I'm fucked up. A lousy feeling, corroding all my insides, settled in my chest, not giving a chance to get out.

Forbidden.

She's fucking sixteen. I can't see a kid looking at her. She isn't a kid. Daisy looks older than Lily, so she can't be a little sister. But she is. She's a little sister of my fucking brother. Damn. Lo's gonna kill me if he finds out that I think about Daisy in such a way. She is fucking attractive to me. I can't do anything.

Fuck!

My knuckles are bleeding, the skin is hurting, but I'm going on beating the wall. As if it can help me to get rid of the mess in my head. She's sixteen. I'm twenty-three. I don't love her. I don't even know what fucking love means. But her laughter echoes in my ears even when she's not around. Her eyes look at me in such a way as if she knew everything about me. And I fucking like it.

No fucking love. I'm single.

***

I've never been loved. My mum told the whole world about Lily's addiction. My own mother! The only person who I thought needs me, poured a slurry on my brother and his girlfriend. On me.

Fuck love. I'm good being alone. Sex? I have it. Fucking my mind? No, thanks. It makes me sick.

Lo and Lily are going to get married. Their parents are going to get them married, actually. They are against it. Even if people who say about love every day don't want to get married, so what fucking love are we talking about?

Daisy's seventeen. And this goddamn girl is driving me crazy. Each our conversation in some fucking way ends with the topic of sex. She is seventeen. She had sex but never reached climax. She thinks there's a problem with her. Yes, it's fucking wrong but I won't stop until she believes she's okay. Let Lo hate me for it.

I'm twenty-four. I control myself. We'll never be together even if I wish it so much. I want to feel how it is when you're with someone who really likes you. It isn't love. I'm not able to love. I've never been loved. I just care about her because there's no one who can do it. Everyone is busy with their own problems. Their problems are my problems too. Because that is what close people do. I don't know exactly, though. I've never been treated like this. But I'm not them. I'm better. I reached everything by myself. I have been sober for eight years. I run faster than you can imagine. I climb the cliffs without any insurance. I fucking made myself. Now I can do the same to others. Fuck love. It causes problems only.

***

Fuck. I fucked up. Actually, it happened three years ago when I met the youngest of the Calloway sisters for the first time. But today I break all the frames. And I don't feel sorry. Her lips were feeling so ideal beneath mine. Fucking ideal. Her boobs beneath my hands, her waist, legs - everything in Daisy Calloway was fucking ideal. I knew it all these years but today I let myself feel it. Lo's gonna kill me. I don't care. She's eighteen. She's a fucking adult. I'm twenty-five. I take the responsibility of our relationship. And even if we have to hide it from all our friends, our families and the whole world, I don't care. I'm ready for it. Because I fucking love her. I don't know what love is, but the feelings that have been building up inside me all these years find only this explanation.

I love Daisy Calloway.

Fuck. Have I been lying to myself all this time? Am I really becoming like Lo? He's gonna become a father, by the way. I don't know how he's going to deal with this shit. He's an alcoholic. His girlfriend is a sexual addict. They're not ready for children. But they have me. I don't care if it wasn't part of my plan to babysit other people's kids. Lo is my brother, Lily is his girlfriend and my girlfriend's sister. We can fucking handle it.

May love be not as bad as I thought? I don't know. I've never been loved.

Today Daisy has confessed her love to me.

Yesterday Lo said he couldn't manage it without me and he was fucking glad he had a big brother.

My father agreed to give up drinking because of me.

My mother sends me messages, apologising, every day.

I've always been loved. But I didn't notice it. Love is definitely not a sense of life. People can live without it. Nothing ends without love. Sometimes it's even easier not to love. But love makes life brighter. Gives powers. Gives you a magic kick up the arse. Protects. Takes care.

Love isn't the most important thing in the life.

But I'm fucking glad I have it. My brother. My girlfriend. My father. Even fucking Connor.

I'm twenty-five. My brother's girlfriend is pregnant and there're rumors that say I'm the father. My girlfriend has PTSD. My brother is an alcoholic in withdrawal who broke his sobriety for a few times. My father is a fucking manipulator who was accused of molestating his younger son. My mother is an offended bitch who sold the information about Lily to newspapers to tell people her story. My girlfriend's sister has OCD and unwanted (only for her) pregnancy. Sex video with Rose and Connor's participation was sold to the porn sites. We have a lot of problems. Every fucking day there's a new problem. But we're together. We're a family. We love each other.

I'm twenty-five and I'm head over heels in love.