Testing The Waters

Chapter Twenty-Two

He gives her a polite smile. "I'm good, thanks."

She sends him wink before exiting the room.

I grin over at Alex, and he rolls his eyes. A moment later, Lynn comes back with a pitcher full of water. After she leaves, and I've had my fill of water, I yawn and lie back, still feeling drowsy. I wonder if it's the medication they gave me.

Alex reaches across the bed and grabs my hand. I look at our hands and then at him. I'm surprised at how normal it feels having his hand in mine. His face is tipped down, looking utterly exhausted and deep in thought.

"You okay?" I ask. 

He looks up and just stares at me, his eyes riddled with a mix of emotions. A few moments go by before he finally speaks.

"You stopped breathing," he says in a whisper. "At one point, I didn't even know if your heart was still beating. I was so fucking scared I wouldn't make it in time. I just kept running and holding on to you, not even sure if you were..." He swallows and shakes his head as if trying to push the thought away.

I squeeze his hand.

He runs a hand over his face. "The park ranger used one of those EpiPens, but it wasn't working right away. When the paramedics arrived, they wouldn't let me near you and your lips... they were fucking blue, Babbie. And all I could do was scream at them, plead with them to make you breathe again. And then all of a sudden, like you just heard me... you did. You were coughing and gasping." He looks back up at me with glassy eyes. "I can't tell you what that sound did to me."

I suck in a breath, feeling a new sense of appreciation for the air filling my lungs and all that Alex did for me today. "I'm so sorry."

A look of horror crosses his face, and he shakes his head, adamantly. "Don't apologize, Babbie. Don't you ever apologize to me."

I frown and squeeze his hand again. "Alex."

He pulls his hand away from me and sits back in the chair, staring at the floor for a long moment.

"I'm the one who owes you an apology," he says to the floor. "A lifetime of apologies. I know it's not nearly enough, but I am sorry." He looks up at me, eyes pained and genuinely remorseful. "I'm so fucking sorry for everything."

I suck in a breath, completely unprepared for his apology right now. My heart squeezes in my chest, almost teetering on the edge of his words.

My fingers grip the hospital blanket. "Why did you do it?"

Lifting his eyes, Alex stares at me as though I just asked him to find a solution to global warming.

I bite my lip. "I know it wasn't random. You never treated anyone else like that. Just me." I peek up at him. "What did I do to make you hate me so much?"

"Babbie," he says in warning.

I don't know why I'm choosing this exact moment to confront him on this, but I can't seem to help myself. It's as though his apology has set something off inside of me that wants—no needs—to understand.

"I want to know why," I say, forcefully. "It doesn't make sense to me, Alex. Why?"

Alex stands abruptly, his eyes filling with fire. "You don't think I fucking hate myself for it?"

"I need to understand. After everything Anna has been through, how could you do that to someone else. To me?"

He shakes his head adamantly, his eyes growing wild and panicked.

Tears prickle my eyes, and I feel absolutely gutted, my darkest feelings exposed, spilling out of me for him to see. "Do you have any idea how much pain you caused me?" I see him grimace, but I continue. "You made me feel so small and worthless. I missed out on so much, because I was afraid of being around you."