golden boy : stozier

thirty eight

"you called?" richie was on his porch, scratching at his leg when stanley rode up. stanley felt so relieved to see him he nearly breathed out a sigh, instead getting off his bike and kicking at the kickstand. richie didn't stand, waiting for stanley to come to him.

"hi," stanley said, his voice quiet. he feared he would cry again, as he moved to sit next to richie on the steps. richie looked over to him, his glasses nowhere to be found. he narrowed his eyes, then hesitantly putting an arm around stanley.

"you okay? dinner that bad?" richie's voice softened, stanley staring down at his feet. richie's finger moved up and down stanley's shoulder, rubbing gently. stanley felt the urge to cry again, instead swallowing and sighing through his nose.

"sorry for coming over." stanley avoided the question. he felt himself overflowing with emotion: why couldn't they just want him to be happy? why did it hurt so much to love? was it hurting to love or was he just hurting and loving?

"shut up, it's always okay for you to stop by." richie's hand now held stanley's shoulder, shaking him a little. "what happened?"

"nothing, it's fine, um," stanley paused, feeling his breath shake in his chest. richie used his other hand to push up stanley's chin slightly, breaking the eye contact with his shoes to look up, into richie's warm, loving gaze. richie watched him for a moment.

stanley wondered what he saw: the shaking lip, or the eyes welling with the tears. maybe the bags under the eyes, or the way his nose was twitching. either way, richie pulled him closer, wrapping stanley in a hug as stanley felt the urge to cry overwhelm him. he wanted to cry; cry he would. he let it roll over him, crashing the tsunami into richie's t-shirt, as richie kept one hand in stanley's hair, the other on his back. stanley clutched onto richie's shirt like a life-preserver.

richie kissed his hair gently, staying silent as stanley got it out. stanley wondered if richie knew, what it meant to kiss him so gently, so freely. like it didn't matter, like people just did these things. like it was okay for stanley to want richie the way that he did.

"i talked back," stanley sobbed, into the crevice between richie's ear and his collarbone. richie held him tighter. stanley wished it didn't have to be so miserable.

"i'm so proud of you, stan," richie whispered, into stanley's hair.

"i'm doing everything wrong," stanley couldn't help but reply. the thought had been haunting him for months now. he backed away from richie now, his eyes puffy and frown immovable. richie let a hand lie gently on stanley's cheek.

it reminded stanley of when they'd hardly known each other, richie letting stanley yell at him in the middle of a forest to know each other. how strange it was, that the affection then had felt less sinful, because stanley had yet to name the love he felt for richie tozier.

"that's not true," richie's thumb ghosted gently over stanley's lips.

it had come so easily, to love richie tozier. if only it had been that easy to keep it. to keep loving him, in spite of knowing it was against everything he'd ever been told. here came a boy, ready to take stanley out of the cage he'd been put in a child, only to discover he hadn't had the key to the lock. so richie had sat outside, holding his hand until stanley realized the key had been with himself, all along—he'd simply never before found a reason to leave.

and now, now that stanley had stepped out, everything in his body was telling him to go back. everything except his heart. his heart was here, looking at him so softly, telling him he'd done nothing wrong.

"how are you so good?" stanley laughed through his tears, in disbelief at richie's kindness. richie rolled his eyes.

"i'm not. you've just always seen the best in me." richie ran his hand through stanley's hair, the feeling sending sparks through stanley's chest. stanley let the weight of the life he'd been living—the one his parents had built for him—fall to the ground beneath his feet. richie gave him a look, "the world is too big to worry about this for too long. you'll be okay."