Her assignment took ages to complete. The phrases didn't make any sense anymore after she read them again, mostly because her mind wasn't at the task anyway, but she tried to maintain focus to finish. Finals were approaching fast and her anxiety became more and more bearable. She felt the pressure from both her social and personal life weighting on her shoulders every day.
Her tired eyes followed the cursor and the words that were forming on the document as she read again, being completely disappointed. She was sitting alone in the couch with the laptop on her lap because she didn't want to wake up Nikolai who was probably sleeping. Even if her eyes were burning from the light, she kept pushing herself. She didn't want to go to sleep either, because no matter how tired her body was her mind couldn't find rest. It would be pointless, and she for sure will wake up Nikolai with her agitation. She tried to distract herself from her current state, but was failing constantly, being so trapped in a vicious cycle.
Eventually tiredness overcame her body and defeated she shut the laptop and toss it on the nearest table. She didn't want to sleep. Her anxiety was so big that even Nikolai's touch wasn't comforting anymore. She was afraid of becoming a burden to the man she loved. However Nikolai was awake and kept listening to her movements around the house, wondering when he should step in. He noticed she wasn't herself lately and thought it was because of his job as a mercenary. It was hard to find a woman to accept him and his past and he was afraid to loose y/n because of them.
When it became quiet in the living room, Nikolai thought it was the perfect moment and got up from the bed. With easy steps he went to the door to take a peak of his lover, and saw her laying on the couch. She wasn't sleeping, instead she was staring blankly at the ceiling. When y/n saw Nikolai approaching she jumped from her place and immediately curled in the corner, with her knees at her chest. She didn't want to look at him.
Nikolai sit next to her, not too close because he respected her personal space. He needed to find out if he was the problem, because if she stayed with him out of courtesy that wasn't good for any of them.
"I can't sleep either you know. I think you corrupted me." They both chuckled at Nikolai feeble attempt to break the ice. He began to cares with his fingers her forehead, putting away some strands of hair.
"I can't do this alone y/n. You've become distant. It's something to do with me?"
She refused to look at him and tightened her legs at her chest.
"You are always away from home. Does it have to do with my lifestyle?"
She wanted to tell him so bad, but she was afraid that he will look at her like someone who overreacts too much and consider her a burden.
Even if her therapist have told her that there is no shame in admitting your feelings to the others, however she was conflicted at that point.
"...everyone has problems....this man has no time for your bullshit....he probably didn't have a mom...yet you did and you complain constantly..."
"I'm-"
Nikolai leaned closer to her, placing a hand on her knees and wrapping his arm around her shoulders.
"Talk with me, I'm not in position to judge you. Trust me, in the last person to do so."
All of her doctor's advices were nothing it that moment. She taught about them and tried to make a valid argument so much that they stopped making sense anymore. Everything started all of the sudden. First with some nightmares, to which she didn't gave too much attention. They affected her sleep too, however she decided to seek counselling when she began to suffocate in her sleep. She was sleeping on the couch, so Nikolai didn't know about this. Also, he didn't know about her appointments to the therapist either. Because they were a secret, she had a hard time justifying her absence from home.
